4 cooked meals, 4 sore throats, 4 headaches

Recently been stepping back a little and not thinking of my change of food. So have had 4 cooked meals, but my reaction to them has been curious: I've been getting headaches and a sore throat, each time after each meal, eating these over a period of days  ('healthy' cooked food: vegetables and grains mostly). Beforehand, I'd get a sort of pain in my chest after cooked food. I don't get that now anymore, but these other symptoms instead. I'm not sure what it all means. I can eat a piece of bread without a problem, but I suppose that's very different to a whole cooked meal.

I've been working on just following my own gut instinct over food things, without thinking of anything anyone has said about the subject. I've been happy eating mostly raw with some coffee and bread, as fun really, so branched out to proper cooked meals but hasn't worked for me.

This is kind of strange. I wouldn't say that I'm at all greatly detoxed, as I'm still eating again some stuff which is quite processed e.g. coffee, bread and occasionally again some oats, hummus. So why this reaction to a cooked meal? Isn't a piece of bread a cooked thing but eaten cold? Maybe it's to do with quantity. That the body can deal with everything in small quantities.

That doesn't answer the question though as to why my body is reacting to a full cooked meal with headaches etc, when it didn't before,

Have to ponder on this some more.

Some updates and how we mistreat nature

About time I updated this blog. Physical training has been going really well, running and so on, getting really fit. Been having coffee again, but not in huge quantities. However, have been having bread - specifically white baguette. I don't really know why. I'm just going with it because I enjoy it.

Two explanations come to mind. First of all, this training has been quite intense, and my body naturally seems to want this stuff - or at least, my emotions do :-). And that's the other point. This training is stirring things up and in a weird way, baked bread seems to be the pinnacle of cooked stuff for me and a quick self-medication fix. I had a cooked meal the other night and it just felt all flat and the same, muddy somehow, but white crusty bread doesn't. So I suppose, if I'm going to have cooked stuff, might as well go for the stuff that still gives me  taste sensation - basically, burned and crusty things. Otherwise, I still have fruits etc as main food.

These emotions I've been having are pretty intense, like sadness or something. Not just mine, but like nature is unhappy. I feel this weight of change coming to humanity. I can feel it in the wind and in the trees. At the moment we experiment on other living creatures that we place in cages and insert needles into, and also gather creatures in huge pens then send them to the butchers; a lot of religions say that God gave creatures for us to do what we want with, that's convenient isn't it, especially as humans wrote all these texts. It feels wrong the way we torture animals when we could be their keepers. They can't help their natures, just like children. A lot of false reasoning looks at animals and says 'look, they kill each other for food' and we apply it to ourselves. Why compare ourselves to animals in that way, makes no sense. There's such an intense feeling of imbalance at the moment, I can't help feel that we're heading toward extremely major change now - what we eat is a huge part of that - and that it's not particularly good news for humanity.

I try not to over analyse anything these days, or identify with any particular ideas. I just go with whatever a little more. I like to just be who I am, free of outside influences. I still feel an immense pull toward spirit, but whether that boat will sail with a French baguette and coffee on board, or not, I just don't know :-)

From clarity to crash - again, again, again...

I've done it again. I was feeling very clear in mind and body, from fruits only and minimum coffee... and then crashed. This lead to coffee without restraint, bread without restraint, nearly like a binge, again!! and yet, the morning started so clearly... What is going on I wonder? I don't judge it as a 'bad' thing, because in some ways I've enjoyed it, and yet.... I suppose I don't like being so in control by something. I'm a little in two worlds at the moment. Sometimes I think a full on abstention from food would be best, like I've done before.

Another thing, is that I'm nearly becoming bored of fruits - but not quite! I'm definitely bored of salad things. So though I'm a lot more fruit orientated in my diet, I'm also falling back with greater force on addictive things like bread and coffee. Clarity v. Drugs. There's this duality going on at the moment. The more I refine, the more I fall back and binge. Strange.

I'm not sure what the answer is. Determination? I don't think so. All I can do is continue and be happy with what I do. I think I heard somewhere (was it Jericho Sunfire?) saying that at the end of the day, it had nothing to do with being determined to do it, to go food free (even though the intro to one of his vids says so, though that is someone else's opinion); it's as impossible to go for that, without spiritual collaboration, as horses learning to fly.

How can one want something like that, to be food free and all it means? Something that is destined to die, only sees limitations in everything and so any decision can only be informed by that limited possibility...

I continue with this strange journey and see what happens. 

Is eating cooked food playing with fire?

Even though I eat raw food, I've never really considered that cooked food is that bad really. Recently however I've been having different thoughts about this, from things I've been experiencing, from a relapse I had with cooked food. It makes me think that eating cooked really comes with its own price. It's as if the distortion of food matter, and the whole process of preparing it, creates a sort of disharmony or something.  I never wanted to conclude anything like this, as it seems extreme. And even though it makes no sense to me, in a conventional sense, this is what I'm experiencing. It lowers the energy of the people eating this cooked food, and even makes arguements  around the table easier - this is really crazy stuff!


So I feel even more strongly that going back to cooked food, for emotional and/or social reasons, isn't any good for me. I have to leave it alone. Eating cooked food is so tightly bound with the emotions, that even reverting back to it, triggers unwanted responses. It's no wonder that people who become fruitarian, on the whole, need to go through some kind of therapy, as it were. So recently, have been deciding to not go back, no matter. Have to remain with what I feel, so matter how weird!

I like this analogy and pun of playing with fire. Eating cooked food obviously does introduce an element of danger, as it needs fire/heat, and all the aspects of what it means to use fire/heat, whether gas, electrical, or electromagnetic...

fundamental shift of view of self

Running and physical training going really well, but I've been burning off more stuff in the process and as I result my face looks thinner, even though my weight stays the same. Because I've been running harder, and am fed up with looking so skinny, I  decided to eat a lot more raw stuff, especially avocados and nuts, for the protein. What an error this was... It produced really urgent bowl movements. I was just eating a lot of these things, trying to fatten up, or something, and all it's done is make me want to go to the loo urgently, it's not been nice. It's as if my guts are throwing everything out.

Since last blog entry have been eating 100% raw. Coffee, have had one full coffee on one day, and two half coffees on two other days. Strange, I seem to be able to drink half a cup in a coffee shop, and leave the rest. I don't know how that is possible!!

I can feel these immense changes going on within me, and it's as if there's a fundamental shift in the way I view myself. Added to this, these feelings of love and so on, everywhere. I'm being so much more patient with  my children, which for me is the main thing, the real thing that counts for me. I don't see any value in food reduction and so on, if it doesn't allow deeper and truer things to take hold - like love!

Maybe I've been training too hard and should slow down a bit. I just enjoy so much running over the hills, it's amazing. The problem is that the running has been over-energizing my system and I don't sleep at night afterwards.

Bread monster

Today I'm a total bread and coffee monster, this is addiction playing itself out, clearly. It's weird that this is happening when I've been eating natural foods for a while.


Bread is so addictive, it's come out of nowhere - well, nearly out of nowhere. There were some visitors in my house who were eating all sorts of white bread things, and even though I ate fruits while they ate cooked things, I felt this growing attraction to bread. 


It's interesting to note that giving free bread to the people, was a form of population control by the ancient Romans. Bread makes your spirit sleep, and fills you with satisfaction. It was the poet Juvenal who coined the phrase 'bread and circuses' as the best way of keeping control of the people and of Rome.

Where I am now

After some moments of clarity, eating unprocessed raw food, I've some old mind conditions and emotions coming out of me again. As a consequence, have been a bit relaxed about food intake the last two days, and have had coffee again lately, and today some bread things and oats. Is it the right thing for me? I'm really not sure.

I feel this strain within myself from eating these things - as if I've set on course some energies that I had been learning to control. I find cooked food creates this need in me to have more cooked food. And this pain inside too, is returning.

Why and what does it all mean?

So I'm in a strange place right now. I'm in a position where I know the consequences of eating certain things, in an intellectual sense, even though I may want something, recently. Before, I could feel my body rejecting certain things, so it was easier. Now my emotions are stronger than my body's intelligence.

It looks like progression needs a tandem force at work:
1) act in accordance with what the body naturally rejects, which is the easy force to follow
2) make a point of rejecting something when experience tells me that it's not that great for me, when my emotions are overriding natural tendency. This can be harder, without expanding the mind toward higher thing.

The second point is where determination comes in.

It's ok, I'll go forward again, but right now, I find it hard to find arguements to support a 100% natural food intake. Aren't I contradicting myself now...? I know already the merry-go-round created by consuming cooked food.

Found my weight recently going up a little, which is odd. Perhaps this is as a consequence of detoxing a little. This weight increase happened before the last two days of not being 100% natural. I've been aware of wanting to be slower over things, and more relaxed.

Fitness wise I've been pretty good. Actually beat my personal best running record recently and my press-ups-until-collapse record as well, up to 47.

Real detox happening

Pretty much completely free of cooked and processed now. No more rice milk. Very few oats with my fruits in the mornings, which I've been having with diluted apple juice. Lunch, often salad stuff, mixed with fruits. Evening, fruits, or fruit smoothie. Nuts also at times throughout the day, but nuts don't seem good on the guts. In some ways, feel the same about salad, which is inconvenient; it's harsher than fruits somehow.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just inventing this whole thing up, this food refinement process I'm on, and doubt creeps into my mind. I even think to myself, I'm going to have cooked food again, but something in me really resists it. I'm really surprised.

So anyway, as a result of even more refinement, I've been having lots of headaches, furry teeth, always feel thirsty. Feeling thirsty is a bit strange, as I have so many fruits. But these detox symptoms are real, so when I doubt this whole thing, the mere fact that my body is getting rid of rubbish, lets me know that this is ok - I'm not going crazy. This path is worthwhile. Have been having sudden colds, that go again quickly.

Also, my weight has dipped a bit. I've noticed that my weight dips when there's stuff being thrown out.  I hope it goes up again, as I'm looking really skinny now, and am tiring of people's observations and comments.

Fitness is really good though - running, muscle work etc., no problems. Mentally feel more focused and less worried about stuff in general, but overall, I can feel this incredible resistance within me at what's going on. Even though there are people out there who have walked this path, at the end of the day, it only helps a little bit. Being in it is a different thing. In some ways, it feels like going a bit mad, or something - but that too is a kind of detox thing, as everything is being overhauled; emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

And I really have no idea where this is heading. At the moment it bothers me that I'm so skinny, even though I'm physically stronger than ever before. Checked my weight recently and I've just dipped beneath 10 stone, and being 6foot2, that's going to show. I look thin. If I continue like this, I'm going to eat cooked again, for fun, to gain weight etc.  But I have to remember, that when I was going vegan, and doing proper fasting, my weight also dipped, before going up again a little when I  continued on cooked vegan.

In some respects it doesn't bother me being so skinny -however, it bothers me when I feel like I have no idea where this is all going, when I'm in a position of doubt and so on. 

Determination

I'm developing greater inner determination in the face of social scrutiny over change of diet. I can feel this benign force operating, and attempting to help as much as possible. Realised a few days ago that I wasn't doing enough to get in line with these deeper energies.

In conversation, it can often become a little problematical when questioned over this food change to raw, especially as people tend to compare themselves against another person who seems to be doing more than them in some ways, and feel judged. But this is just a development, and not a thing to condemn others with, whether veggie or meat-eater. Food is as bad as politics and religion I think, in how it stirs people up!!

In terms of training, some running, a few days ago hit a record of 44 press ups, which for me is a record.

Not doing hummus anymore. The only processed stuff I still have is a little rice milk in the mornings on my fruits, and a few oats (which I assumed have undergone some treatment). This is being going on for a few weeks now. Also, I have decaffeinated coffee now, one or two cups a day. I'd like to get rid of that really, but at it's a big thing getting off the coffee, so happy with general movement forward, seeing as I used to be a coffee addict.

Much love!

I don't want this!

It's hard to describe what's going on with me at the moment, but it's really tough. I'm caught between things at the moment, from raw food to cooked. Sometimes I feel like I really want a cooked meal, so I have one, but then it doesn't sit in me at al well. I feel like I really don't want this struggle I'm in. I want to be happy with eating normally. But there is no 'normal', that is the truth; I've spent many years of my adult life just getting by and not connecting deeply to what I know. To that extent, everyone is being propped up psychologically by all kinds of things, especially food.

So what is happening to me? People talk about detox and a process, and perhaps that's what I'm on, but right now I don't know where it's going, so I can't say what it is. I feel like my tendencies are being accentuated. Added to this are the social difficulties, and being a father of two young children. In terms of the children, I feed them as I was fed (apart from dead animals), and hope for the best. Life seems to be all about unlearning what the world tried to make us believe.

It's as if many things are being removed from me somehow, and it's hard.

eating raw more consciously

Sometimes I can't believe this journey that I'm on. I seem to be on a moving train that I can't jump off anymore, and it's really quite a joyous thing. Well I suppose I could if I really wanted to, but I don't see the point to go back to dead-ends.

I've been feeling these changes now I have this resolve within me. Just the act of walking through the garden, picking (and giving thanks,  poor plants!) spinach, dandelion leaves and so on, and adding them to my fruits, blended together. All this is somehow working on me. The act of gathering locally is an interesting thing in itself. I feel that somehow humans are meant to gather locally, ideally, if they need to eat.

I find myself changed within, and don't find myself interested in certain food things which are on offer. I feel like the things I'm slowly discarding from my life, are being replaced by this sense of connection to deeper things. Just recently I've been discarding the small bits of bread I've been having once a day. Also, I'm drinking my one or two cups of coffee with a different sense now, less enjoyment I suppose. Perhaps I'll come back to that.

So while I'm eating mostly raw now, and have a lot more energy from it, I keep open minded as to where this might lead me. I think back to where i was, and see a huge change just from going mostly raw vegan. I can't  advise anyone on breatharianism, as I'm not one, but it does strike me that for long-lasting and conclusive changes, going to natural food first and so on, is logically a good way of doing things, as it allows the body to adapt, whatever the eventual outcome. I've tried days of fasting and so on in the past, but in retrospect, i see it as a worthwhile exercise in seeing how the body reacts and copes etc, and how one feels - and perhaps, I was getting a little ahead of myself too.

Still ongoing, which surprises me somehow

For a long time I've just been doing my thing without giving a huge amount of thought to any process of refinement. It's been ages since I had a cooked meal in the evening, but I did the other evening, which is why I'm adding to this blog. Usually I have fruits, and I was amazed at how I really didn't enjoy the cooked food. I was somehow expecting for normality to go on, and even possibly regress on this path, and go back to my old eating habits - but I find that something has changed in me fundamentally, and I can't or won't do it. I felt dry after that cooked food. Also, it didn't decrease any sense of hunger I might have in the evenings - I feel the same in that sense after fruits or cooked food. Hunger is a strange thing. Hunger is possible with me, even after eating! The only thing that seems to stop hunger is meditation and that kind of thing,

In the mornings I have some oats and rice milk and banana, but that too now is starting to weigh on me somehow (the rice milk and oats in particular). Strange how things have changed, from full blown muesli etc, to just oats and rice milk, and how that is even weird now.

So even though I don't spend much time thinking about it, looks like something is still going on.

I continue working on my fitness, especially light weights at the moment, been less inclined to run recently.

I really can't comment anymore on what's going on with me, but I'll just continue enjoying life as it is.

social difficulties

There's no doubt that the social side of practicing certain diet things is the very hardest thing. As a family man, I find myself making compromises all the time now. I'm coming to the point where I don't know where I can go with this anymore. From fasting while I was working some months back, to going back to raw veganism with some cooked or processed products, I find myself focusing more and more on the true reasons behind things, rather than concerning myself over what I have eaten, or not eaten. The deep Spirit of things has always been my motivation, and it does not abandon me if I eat. My ideal would be to be in a situation where I can practice again some forms of deep fasting and contemplation, but perhaps that time is not now. I know that my inner senses increase in clarity hugely when I fast or eat very little.

For the time being, I continue to be vegan - something I won't go back on, in the same way that I became veggie many years ago - with an emphasis on raw food. I don't think that I'll add to this blog much, until I do a proper fast again. On the other hand, I understand also the necessity of silence in certain things and practices, and while this blog has been useful to get out certain tensions in my psyche, I also truly believe that not speaking about certain things is really quite important. All I can say again, is that this food thing, and the elimination of foods, unleashes many things that lie buried in the psyche, which is probably why most of us choose not to go without certain foods, etc. I see some characters who've adapted to a food-free lifestyle very easily, and they say it's really quite easy, but I also see that they've put their work in, perhaps not even in this life.

an emotional ride

Recently I was looking at cooked food and thinking to myself how horrible it seemed. I'd been on mostly raw stuff for quite  a while - and so cooked food just seemed really weird to me and I felt like I didn't want any part of it. Distorted energy.

But then I hit some emotional things in my life, where I lost my equanimity. Suddenly, I started to really feel hungry for cooked stuff. I realised that it wasn't for physical reasons, but entirely emotional. However, I went with the flow, and so have had a fair bit of bread and a cooked meal.

I've noticed how much easier it is to be entertained by nonsense when on cooked food. This might seem like a strange thing to say. But with the senses slightly dulled, it's easier (in some ways life is easier!) to just go around doing stuff in an unconscious fashion. Being on raw food is a big thing really. For me personally, I've found any form of entertainment to be an uninteresting thing when I'm not on cooked food. We humans like to be entertained, we like distraction from our internal sense of unease. But while fasting, or eating raw, the emotions have less space to manoeuvre. It's strange how society is  based around entertainment and distraction. Food obviously plays a huge part in that.

I don't find it difficult to just sit in a chair and contemplate, maybe look out of the window for a long time. That might seem weird. On the other hand, a part of me after a while wishes that I had a warm feeling toward entertainment, but I don't find it interesting really - apart from comedy in TV and film I suppose! Well, I do find it interesting, but I have to be pumped up on cooked food to find it interesting! A bit like someone who has to be drunk to enjoy something he knows he won't enjoy - perhaps a rubbish film his friends are dragging him along to. This guy then has a few drinks at the bar before commiting himself to something he wouldn't usually enjoy. Maybe most parties are based around this - get by by getting drunk!

So anyway, this testing process goes on. It's an emotional ride.

sickness

Recently I got a stomach bug from my son (he got it from school). He was sick. I was sick. My sickness however went on longer than his, many hours of vomitting. My stomach has reacted like this before to things like alcohol and rich food - as if the signals from inside me, through my body, are trying to tell me something - my body is wanting to rid itself of everything. After that, didn't feel like eating. Felt that I should though, as if it was the 'sensible' thing to do, and had a cooked meal on the evening of the day I recovered, because I lost about half a stone from being sick and so on. Didn't go down well. Now in a situation where I'm meant to be eating as normal again (i.e. not just raw), but finding that it makes me depressed. I can feel such a gathering of light, and changeover in my body, but socially I guess I'm in a situation where only I'm experiencing this fact, which isn't easy at all.

adventures in food

Real progressions going on. Dwindling muesli intake at breakfast, doing mostly fruits. Lunch, salad, nuts and fruits. If I look back, the idea of not having an evening meal seems quite strange. I've noticed that feelings of hunger can  be replaced with a sort of bubbling up feeling in the stomach (not wind!), a sort of energy, that travels up the chest. I've noticed that stress and negative emotions reduces weight. There are so many things going on inside my body, I'm only partly aware of all that is happening. But that this is all true and real is amazing, really.

finding a way forward

A new vision of self arising. Being able to exist and operate without all of the motivations that motivated me in the past. This is linking in with this deep fix I've always had, about the reason for things and motivations. Such bodily changes are truly meaningful - unlike, say, a mental excitement induced from a story or a piece of art. This new way of being is empty of past motivations, and there's a real joy in not being bound by this need to be always doing or being something. More to do with being in harmony with all things, and realising that really all anyone really wants in this world, is love.

Physically: training going on well, muscle toning, runs. More muscle seems to keep weight up. No evening meals again. Have decided to really break from any bread stuff. All these different things slowly dropping off. Breakfast  too becoming less (oats, rice milk, fruit, no more processed muesli). Lunch, still salad, fruit, nuts and so on, but tiring of the processed humous. This will probably go too soon.

Inner resolve increasing, with regards to the awkwardnesses induced by social occasions.

It's strange how I feel this need to explore in different ways what my body can do. It's as if it's being tested or put into shape from different angles. For example, I would go through a day without eating in the past, while working etc, but now it seems I'm more about doing this in a comprehensive way, whereby I eat something to know it and discard it, or something like that. All I can say is that it's as if different angles are being covered. It's a subtle game to gently find a way forward so that automatic thought-forms related to food drop off easily.

building of light

There's been a real building of light and intent going on.

Yet, I had to have a cooked meal the other evening, as it would have been too weird for the other person for them to eat on their own in front of me (they traveled some distance to visit). So I had a stir-fry. I had to make a quick run for the loo later, explosive guts, as my body really didn't want it. Two days later, had to have more cooked again in the evening and felt heavy this time, and my guts didn't want to turn everything out. Funny how the body gets used to whatever its given and instructed.

Understanding far more the necessity of deep intent, free of other people's opinion.

This thing about food, it really just comes down to freedom. I don't want to theorize on energies or anything like that anymore. Though I probably will again from force of habit, at some point.

Freedom, and feeling love unencumbered by heaviness (of food) is the reason for all of this.

Spiritual progression and the regulation of heat

Many things have been coming to mind recently, as related to the changes going on in me. And I suppose the main topic of this blog post has to do with the regulation of internal heat - and how our existence is very much dependent on creating heat.

This subject of heat/cold is highly relevant because it's quite normal to feel cold when refining food intake. Eating generates its own internal heat, and so heats the body up. This is well observed by hunters in the Arctic, who need to snack frequently to generate internal heat to keep warm. So it seems, there is a close correlation between the generation of internal heat, cold, and the subject of inedia.

Generally also, regulation of ones internal heat governs ones ability to override ones passions and appetites. In some Buddhist texts there is a close correlation between appetite for food and sexual appetite.

It's curious that we humans derive heat from foods that have been pre-cooked. Let's say, an oatcake, has been processed and cooked. In some way, the heat, or energy, from a pre-cooked food is taken advantage of by the body, if it requires food as its source of sustenance. The energy of fire/heat has been transfered to the cooked oats, and then drawn into the body. This is perhaps why becoming a raw foodist is a giant leap. It pre-supposes an ability to drawn energy from other sources than just the raw food. Typically, raw-foodists look somewhat bad in health studies, though I wonder how many of these are also spiritually open and inspired. Maybe some of these raw foodists are the same as some militant vegans, who are wholly identified by their dietary choice, rather than having a rounded approach to existence. I'm surprised by some vegans I have met, who seem ignorant of the reality of the spiritual side of life, and fly their vegan banner for its own sake. In these cases, it wouldn't surprise me if a similar approach to raw-foodism would lead to health difficulties.

My circulation has been bad lately. A run will sort it out, but so will generally meditation. I prefer meditation to help circulate the energies. However, I'm finding it really hard to sort out my circulation lately. This circulation problem was there even  before I became vegan - in fact, even as a teenager I went through periods of rotten circulation. But then it would subside again. It has to do with certain blocks and resistances within me, which come and go. But this problem is definitely even more present now I eat more raw than anything else.

In a sense it takes my journey to the nub of the issue - the regulation of internal  heat. I'm not able to really agree or disagree with intricate explanations of chakras and energy etc etc, it seems all a bit too specific - it's possible to explain anything by anything really, but it's entertainment rather than anything else.How does anything ultimately work?

At least I know if something is hot, or cold, or whether I feel hunger or not, but that's just me.

Aww, need to sort this cold nose out again.

Another ramble :-)

striking a balance between going forward and pausing

Having reduced things right down to really raw stuff, on some days having no bread or coffee etc either, I'm reaching bit of a no-go point within myself, and having to back off a bit. I find myself craving something that'll give me a hit - e.g. bread, coffee. This doesn't bother me too much - I see the things I used to really want, and how these desires have gone gradually.

So today had bread, and coffee, as well as my usual raw stuff. The other thing, is that my deeper feelings of existence seem to disappear when my food intake is really reduced at the moment. I know that this doesn't have to be this way, that it's just a question of adaptation. My entire motivation toward refinement are the very real feelings of the sublimeness of consciousness.

It's curious the dynamic between using the Will to progress along this path, and letting grace and light and love do its part. It's like a handshake. Getting the balance between the choosing to move forward, and letting light happen, appears to be the thing. Something like that, anyway. 

what a day

 What a day!  I trained too hard. I ran faster than ever. Food: only fruits for breakfast and salad and nuts for lunch. After my evening run, I had two fruits. But the next morning my body was aching and needing things, so I ate more than usual, even cooked for lunch and evening. And my guts really regretted, my goodness! I don't want to repeat that... The pain I felt in my torso was bad, really bad.  While I was eating, I was thinking, hey this is fine, but.... What comes up must come down.

So I must train sensibly and go easy on myself. Do enough exercise to work with the body, but not too hard. Returning to fruits and such like. Must avoid those other foods, which my body are indicating to me as no good at the moment.

lately...

Lately... had a very hard day with foul emotions and feelings rising out of me, really crazy stuff... but this has passed now. Am experiencing my body in a really different way, as if there's this blueprint rising up, a blueprint where my body functions in a smoother and better way.

Still no evening meals. Really going off muesli and rice milk in the mornings, too. Lunch, salad still and fruit.  Find intake of certain foods really incompatible with this underlying sense of eveness and balance - like leavened bread.

Deep feelings of existence and of reality.

Fitness wise - good runs, push ups, got up to 39.

love, love, love, love, love

Physical training coming on really well. Been running again, just under 3 miles every two days. Got up the big hill without stopping on 6th run. Press-ups, I can max out at 35 now, but haven't pushed it to 40 yet.

Food, same as usual (vegan - some breakfast, some lunch, no dinner though sometimes fruit for dinner) - but there is a distinct change in how I feel after cooked food. I watch my reaction closely, wondering how much of it might have been informed by what others have gone through. But I see my reaction to be genuine. For some reason, heavily cooked food makes me feel a bit sick afterwards. I can't really explain it. The only way to explain it, is that my body is going through some changes, and needs purer and purer stuff. I can eat, for example, a bowel of chips and beans if I wanted to, but aftwerwards, I would first of all feel a bit sicky, then even later, I would feel sort of distorted mentally and emotionally.

This leads me to attempt to explain again, what not eating food is all about, and why science can't back it up. It would be convenient if science and esoteric reality actually met.

Recently, have been feeling this eye-opening and profound feeling of love again - just love. Love, love, love. Like 'being in love', a real sensation in the heart and body, but with everyone and everything...

This is why having a vehicle - a body - that is running 100% efficiently is important to me - it's about profound self-respect, really. And if that means cutting back more and more on food things, so be it. Hoping that it'll help me cultivate things like patience and so on.

Went through Easter without any chocolate at all, despite everyone around me enjoying it. Could have got vegan choc, but couldn't be bothered really.  In some ways, I'm a bit bored of the short-term taste-explosion of certain food things. How long would I go on with this? It doesn't look like a long-term plan to me. It's a sort of short-term sad self-indulgence - at least, that's how I experience it (ha ha, who's the party guy?!). A mask to hide general feelings of lowness.

Coffee: much less coffee, even actively avoiding it now quite often, which is a big change.

Takes a while to re-educate the mind as to the effect of foods and drinks etc on the whole of the body and psyche.

These experiences of love are like the way forward, just signposts. And it is amazing that love is the ultimate reality, no matter what science and such likes to amuse itself with. Science is like a giant cross-word or something, really quite fun, and can explain certain physical phenomenon, but can't explain the very phenomenon of life, since all explanations remain inside the phenomenon itself. Don't know why this point isn't stressed more in discussions.

Love, love, love....

Coffee investigation and such things

Some updates. Did without coffee for 7 days. First couple of days,  headaches etc, craving coffee 3rd and 4th day, 5th day not too bad, 6th, no feeling for it, 7th, didn't care whether I had coffee or not - but went on holiday that day as well, so had coffee anyway, even though I didn't particularly want it. Drinking coffee again, but not much. It's rather like getting past the craving stage of it, made me see that I was alright with it, to have or not to have. Again no evening meals at the moment, though sometimes an orange or something, otherwise lunch and breakfast 'normal', but avoid processed as much as poss.

Strange, but I don't seem to mind pre-cooked cooked food as much as I do cooked-and-ready-to-serve cooked food. For example, oats which have been hardened I don't seem to mind at the moment, as well as some bread. It's a bit like, I want that burnt taste or feeling in things, but not sloppy cooked vegetables and such like (though hummus I still quite like, which is obviously incredibly cooked and churned and sloppy). I don't know why that should be. In some ways I feel like I'm really bored of food, so something which is burned, or toasted, gets through that taste barrier I have - perhaps a bit like coffee, same thing. Maybe something like that, not too sure really.

What's very useful for me to note, overall, is that the efforts I've been making in trying to sort out my food intake, has been opening some spaces within me and has definitely been worth it so far. :-)

exaggerating certain impulses...

For a few days wasn't having evening meals again. Then, for various reasons, had a couple of evenings where I really *ate* a lot (vegan cooked, beans, grains, bread etc) - well, not a lot by conventional 'a lot' standards!), and I felt really drunk on food! And I was thinking to myself, this is why we eat. My inner vision dimmed, clouded, but for an instant, I felt good, in a sort of unconscious fashion. Who cares!? Let's eat!

But very soon, that tension in my abdomen started all over again, and I felt really bad. And with eating comes the desire for more eating. This I've reconfirmed to myself. Also, it shot my energy to  pieces in various other ways, as well. My craving was weirdly intensified. I could feel myself nearly shaking when it came to lunch the next day, maybe because all that eating did something to my blood sugar levels. This  is a bit strange, as I've never been someone who's had that blood sugar level drop thing, which some people get, and they *have* to eat to function. I've always been quite even in that way. Funny how my old fashioned way of eating, now seems to feel really bad.

On some level I feel that this refinement is pushing all the buttons, turning over stones, and exaggerating certain impulses. I'm going to trim down again, now I can see a bit better the effects of eating unconsciously and eating unnecessarily. I feel all the time that food is a strange thing to rely on, and that it's just bizarre to have this zombie-like  existence of food, supermarkets, and everything that goes with it. All the destruction.

Must increase level of training again, physical fitness, to help things along.

pushing and pulling sensations...

While I've been resuming a little more eating, I can feel its effect on my body really clearly. Also what I feel is that eating or not eating, neither really matter that much. Today, the food was having a strange effect, like pushing and pulling my body back and forth, a funny sensation.

Mid morning I was sitting with the children having a coffee, while they were having a snack, in cafe overlooking some water, and something happened to me, or my mind. Something I've felt before, but more acutely this time. I felt like consciousness is everywhere at once, and that consciousness really manifests through the body not via the head or eyes, but from the heart area. As I sat there, I really was experiencing this perfect expanse of Awakeness running through me as me - it was calm, true, not excitable nor emotional. My thinking mind really wasn't there very much. It was peaceful rather than 'happy', though this perfect expanse quite naturally leads to a more carefree and 'happy' state of mind. This feeling was like a ray of light, or a radius, like a sheet of light that extends in all directions simultaneously without end. I also saw how work is needed to bring the body and mind into alignment, to resonate more fully, with such things. In my case, probably rather a lot of work :-))

And I couldn't work out, again, how matter comes to be constructed, how things really manifest, how things are created out of this infinite sheet of consciousness. As I sat there, it seemed to me, that it really is just an illusion; and that the actual 'trick' in getting past the main barrier, lies in understanding one's own (beautiful) consciousness - and the non-reality of perceived reality  i.e. thoughts that attract similar thoughts (books, people, situations, and which only appear to corroborate what one thinks...)

I've grappled with this before, trying to draw out from the infinite, some answer  that makes sense in the finite, but there are no real ways to do this... a concrete way of dealing with this seemingly impossible barrier...and yet, it seems that having a more evolved body would be a definite advantage, in reflecting back some understanding, hence my interest in this subject. This is the work of light, really.

I've a long way to go!!

On a more practical note, I seem to have become totally uninterested by the thought of chocolate. It happened some months back, but seems to have settled back more fully, in  a deeper way. Looks like I'm on the road to having the diet of a monk!

No meat, no fish, no dairy, no alcohol, no nicotine, no drugs, no chocolate, little cooked food - what's wrong with me! Oh yes, I still have caffein, but maybe not forever, I don't know.

words fail....

I've recently sprung back from a period of very lean eating and some fasting, to eating more again. It's quite interesting how fasting and so on, brings out so many things. It has got to be a gradual thing. And it's not the end of the story...

For me the motivation has always been.... a sort of deep experience about existence. Recently I've been reading about other people's motivations, and I find it interesting how different they all are. One thing I see more and more though, is that I can't identify with some of the different approaches people have to this subject - and added to this, is that I feel that it's such a personal and deep thing, even the description of the process toward Breatharianism, and all the made up 'techincal' words, make no sense - or at least, to me they don't.

I don't mean it perjoratively or judgementally. It's just that it appears to me that 'something goes on', and who knows what it is.  It's possible to think one thing or another, or describe it one way or the other, but none of the intellectualisations make any sense, really. Or at least, to me they don't.

To this extent, even keeping a  blog on the subject, as I explore the early stages of this path, makes me see that in itself, it's sort of futile. I use the blog to organise my thoughts on the subject, but I don't even think there's anything to be organised, if that makes any sense. The best that can be said, is that it's all about using the Will, conjoined with the help of higher beings. Nothing much to add to that.

Maybe this blog is ending its lifespan, who knows.

Recently....

Recently...

Diet wise:
Two days ago I had some oats and plain muesli with rice milk in the morning. Late afternoon, a banana. In the evening, an apple and an orange. Yesterday, I didn't have anything. My energy has been good, strength good. Sense of stability good (i.e. no giddiness etc). But what I did find myself having again, was coffee. Am I addicted to coffee? Throughout the day a part of my mind was coaxing me to eat normal things, in a robotic fashion, but with the coffee, I couldn't seemingly stop myself. I begin to see, why coffee is the second  most traded commodity in the world, after oil... Must find a way in my mind, to work on this.

This morning have been eating 'normally' again, muesli + banana, but also toast, but they've been feeling like a stone inside of me. Haven't improved my energy at all, on the contrary.  And of course, had more coffee... At times I again wonder why am I bothering with this food refinement? Wouldn't it be easier to forget about it?

But no. How can I forget about such a radical thing is putting stuff inside of me. Besides, it doesn't equate with my deeper feelings and impressions of existence....

Just last week I had to have an evening meal (social), and the next morning my energy was bad, really rubbish. I couldn't do as many press-ups for example. On my lean dieting, I can do up to 35 full press-ups now, which I could never do before; but the day after the evening meal, I think I felt the pain at 15 and got to about 25 or something, and my arms trembled and I died! ha ha

food update

Eating very minimally at the moment.Some oats with rice milk for breakfast, and some salad for lunch with pitta, but might not even have that today. Don't lack in energy, but can sometimes feel a slowness in me (esp. in my joints) but I know this has got to do with negative energy from before (perhaps acids that have collected in the joints), rather than genuine tiredness. Been doing a lot of stretching and movement, muscle toning I suppose (press-ups, squats etc)

Have also halted coffee for a while, didn't seem right for me.

Give me food!

For many days I wasn't having an evening meal anymore, but recently I was feeling really melancholy, and like I had a lot of stuck energy in me, around my head. Strange feelings of sadness just coming over me. I think these feelings have arisen out of me, not because I'm lacking in anything (i.e. nutrition-wise), but because eating so much less than I have in the past, hasn't been allowing any silt or sand to accumulate on top of my inner thoughts and emotions. All these accumulated feelings and impressions.  I guess this is where it can get tricky.

In the past I have often dealt with feelings that come out of me, through various means - e.g. exercise, breathing, music etc, but this time I've started eating again in the evenings. It's ok, but feels sort of retro! The one thing I notice, is that 1) it hasn't improved my general energy 2) it hasn't dealt with these feelings popping up from inside of me. But it has covered them up somewhat and provided me with a sense of normality. But how can I talk about normality, when deeper realities have always been clear to me...

I'm going to have to face up to some things, again. I saw a Jericho Sunfire video sometime back, where he was saying that people just don't want to 'pay the piper', as it were. He's right there. Practically no-one wants to pay the piper and go through the difficulties and pains. It's weird, I don't know why I'm on this path of food refinement, but I am. 

no more evening meals

The main thing that has been happening to me at the moment, is that the fruits I've been having in the evening, haven't been feeling right, and so I haven't been having anything in the evenings anymore. So it seems that I'm having two meals a day now. My weight hasn't changed though. Presumably, the weight content of fruit, for these evening meals, was next to nothing anyway.

It feels so great not eating in the evenings. I really feel like I'm treating myself well like this. It's like, at last, I can breathe easy. I'll drink a juice though.

Been wondering about my coffee drinking in the mornings, as I can feel its effects on me, in not such good ways.

A main theme in my blogging, looking back on things, is that I've been wanting to maintain a healthy approach to food. That is, not develop a negative complex toward food or eating; this is because, I feel that without the correct energies in place, having a negative view of food, doesn't lead down a good road.  I've always felt that life is about celebration in all its forms, not the opposite. Any form of transcendance - and that includes breatharianism - I feel should come from a stable place. Just my viewpoint.

Having said that, I experience more and more this feeling, that I'm just putting earth into my mouth, and that it's not necessary. I can feel these strong automatic tendencies, especially in the mornings, toward toast and coffee. Not that it's wrong in any way, but a part of me doesn't like being in automatic mode over anything. I don't like being a robot, or in this case a  food robot.

Back on the liquids

I find it strange how just being a single day on liquids (a few juices), is enough to move a few things along. I also had a coffee, which I was doubtful about having. I didn't really feel that hungry, and in the evening, as I lay down to sleep, and felt full. Again, I could feel this golden energy, thick like soup, going trough me and in me. I wonder how I would be after a few days like this?

Next day, no breakfast, but in the end had a teacake midmorning, and salady lunch; not because I really wanted to, but because felt I ought to really. The hardest thing of all, isn't fasting, or doing food experiments, but living inside a system that so believes in food. It's unbelievably challenging. People really do freak out if you opt out - even if it isn't breatharianism, but just abstaining for one day (a healthy thing in itself) - people don't like it. Must eat, must eat, must eat, must eat, must eat.....

Perhaps the tough thing, is that allowing higher energies to manifest through fasting is a Good thing, and yet people see it as a Bad thing. All religions have an element of fasting in them, e.g.  fasting is one of the main pillars of Islam (but by some Muslims I've encountered, it's become a bit weird: don't eat during daylight hours, but stuff in as much as you can after the sun goes down. I knew a guy at school who would stuff in honey nut cornflakes with milk, chicken, anything apart from anything fresh, after sun down - as if his body was a rubbish bin. I've read that the greatest ill-health in the UK is suffered by Muslim men).Coincidentally, I saw a sticker today outside a supermarket, stuck to a sign post, that read: Halal and Kosher meat: not only is it wrong to eat animals, but you want to torture them first before killing them?

Anyway, I digress. I don't want to be feeding my pain body, as Eckhart Tolle would say, but tuning in to all this kind of stuff :-)

God is love

:-)

No calmness = a need for food

It's been a long while since I updated my blog. So, in brief, since before Christmas time, these are some things that went on, and which I observed.

Over Christmas I at more than usual (vegan). Sort of a feeling of pressure from those around me, and yet, not from them really. More to do with my own sense of...isolation I suppose, and so joined in more. Need to develop more inner strength. Be part of company in different ways, apart from the social activity of eating.

What I observed was this, mainly: on eating more than usual again, I developed a pain in my torso, exactly the same as when I cut down radically. The very same pain, but a little attenuated. Strange that - it corroborates things I've read, that coming off drugs, or going onto drugs, creates the same kind of symptoms, and that there is an equivalence with food. I experience this to be true. Food and emotion are hard-wired together.

What I find extraordinary, is despite my own tendency to sabotage the work of energies that are working with me, there is a definite process still going on. I can feel grumpy, irate even, or I can be happy and calm, and the work continues. But I know that the happy and calm state, allows the subtle energies to function fluidly, while the other state of mind does not.

I experienced a sense of disappointment from some outside entity, that after Christmas I continued shovelling food in, as if I was a rubbish bin. And in fact, when I walk around the supermarket and see the things in people's trolleys - including mine - I wonder, why do we treat our bodies as if they were rubbish bins? Obviously there are different levels, for example, minced-up animal in cellophane, is a grotesque and unecessary thing to ingest, but so is rubbishy wheat products (which so many people are unknowingly allergic to, especially the fermentation process). It's to do with a feeling of lack, which is also hard wired into us. So we open our mouths and pour in stuff which is unsuitable.

So while it's true to say that there is a process that I can't stop, this feeling of disappointment from an outside entity, tells me that there has to be greater coordination between myself and the entities who work with body refinement. This body refinement is a thing that needs to be done, needs to happen, for this world. I was surprised at this feeling of disappointment I was feeling from outside of me, as if I  had let the team down. It's strange, but there is such a distinct feeling and quality to these beings involved with the process of body elevation.

I need to work a little harder at processing the energies.

I don't miss the taste of any food really, if it's there I enjoy it, but if it's not, I really don't care at all. But it's a little difficult being a family person with young children. To constantly remain calm and composed, when everything is a pulling me away from that. I'll find a way.