From clarity to crash - again, again, again...

I've done it again. I was feeling very clear in mind and body, from fruits only and minimum coffee... and then crashed. This lead to coffee without restraint, bread without restraint, nearly like a binge, again!! and yet, the morning started so clearly... What is going on I wonder? I don't judge it as a 'bad' thing, because in some ways I've enjoyed it, and yet.... I suppose I don't like being so in control by something. I'm a little in two worlds at the moment. Sometimes I think a full on abstention from food would be best, like I've done before.

Another thing, is that I'm nearly becoming bored of fruits - but not quite! I'm definitely bored of salad things. So though I'm a lot more fruit orientated in my diet, I'm also falling back with greater force on addictive things like bread and coffee. Clarity v. Drugs. There's this duality going on at the moment. The more I refine, the more I fall back and binge. Strange.

I'm not sure what the answer is. Determination? I don't think so. All I can do is continue and be happy with what I do. I think I heard somewhere (was it Jericho Sunfire?) saying that at the end of the day, it had nothing to do with being determined to do it, to go food free (even though the intro to one of his vids says so, though that is someone else's opinion); it's as impossible to go for that, without spiritual collaboration, as horses learning to fly.

How can one want something like that, to be food free and all it means? Something that is destined to die, only sees limitations in everything and so any decision can only be informed by that limited possibility...

I continue with this strange journey and see what happens. 

Is eating cooked food playing with fire?

Even though I eat raw food, I've never really considered that cooked food is that bad really. Recently however I've been having different thoughts about this, from things I've been experiencing, from a relapse I had with cooked food. It makes me think that eating cooked really comes with its own price. It's as if the distortion of food matter, and the whole process of preparing it, creates a sort of disharmony or something.  I never wanted to conclude anything like this, as it seems extreme. And even though it makes no sense to me, in a conventional sense, this is what I'm experiencing. It lowers the energy of the people eating this cooked food, and even makes arguements  around the table easier - this is really crazy stuff!


So I feel even more strongly that going back to cooked food, for emotional and/or social reasons, isn't any good for me. I have to leave it alone. Eating cooked food is so tightly bound with the emotions, that even reverting back to it, triggers unwanted responses. It's no wonder that people who become fruitarian, on the whole, need to go through some kind of therapy, as it were. So recently, have been deciding to not go back, no matter. Have to remain with what I feel, so matter how weird!

I like this analogy and pun of playing with fire. Eating cooked food obviously does introduce an element of danger, as it needs fire/heat, and all the aspects of what it means to use fire/heat, whether gas, electrical, or electromagnetic...

fundamental shift of view of self

Running and physical training going really well, but I've been burning off more stuff in the process and as I result my face looks thinner, even though my weight stays the same. Because I've been running harder, and am fed up with looking so skinny, I  decided to eat a lot more raw stuff, especially avocados and nuts, for the protein. What an error this was... It produced really urgent bowl movements. I was just eating a lot of these things, trying to fatten up, or something, and all it's done is make me want to go to the loo urgently, it's not been nice. It's as if my guts are throwing everything out.

Since last blog entry have been eating 100% raw. Coffee, have had one full coffee on one day, and two half coffees on two other days. Strange, I seem to be able to drink half a cup in a coffee shop, and leave the rest. I don't know how that is possible!!

I can feel these immense changes going on within me, and it's as if there's a fundamental shift in the way I view myself. Added to this, these feelings of love and so on, everywhere. I'm being so much more patient with  my children, which for me is the main thing, the real thing that counts for me. I don't see any value in food reduction and so on, if it doesn't allow deeper and truer things to take hold - like love!

Maybe I've been training too hard and should slow down a bit. I just enjoy so much running over the hills, it's amazing. The problem is that the running has been over-energizing my system and I don't sleep at night afterwards.

Bread monster

Today I'm a total bread and coffee monster, this is addiction playing itself out, clearly. It's weird that this is happening when I've been eating natural foods for a while.


Bread is so addictive, it's come out of nowhere - well, nearly out of nowhere. There were some visitors in my house who were eating all sorts of white bread things, and even though I ate fruits while they ate cooked things, I felt this growing attraction to bread. 


It's interesting to note that giving free bread to the people, was a form of population control by the ancient Romans. Bread makes your spirit sleep, and fills you with satisfaction. It was the poet Juvenal who coined the phrase 'bread and circuses' as the best way of keeping control of the people and of Rome.

Where I am now

After some moments of clarity, eating unprocessed raw food, I've some old mind conditions and emotions coming out of me again. As a consequence, have been a bit relaxed about food intake the last two days, and have had coffee again lately, and today some bread things and oats. Is it the right thing for me? I'm really not sure.

I feel this strain within myself from eating these things - as if I've set on course some energies that I had been learning to control. I find cooked food creates this need in me to have more cooked food. And this pain inside too, is returning.

Why and what does it all mean?

So I'm in a strange place right now. I'm in a position where I know the consequences of eating certain things, in an intellectual sense, even though I may want something, recently. Before, I could feel my body rejecting certain things, so it was easier. Now my emotions are stronger than my body's intelligence.

It looks like progression needs a tandem force at work:
1) act in accordance with what the body naturally rejects, which is the easy force to follow
2) make a point of rejecting something when experience tells me that it's not that great for me, when my emotions are overriding natural tendency. This can be harder, without expanding the mind toward higher thing.

The second point is where determination comes in.

It's ok, I'll go forward again, but right now, I find it hard to find arguements to support a 100% natural food intake. Aren't I contradicting myself now...? I know already the merry-go-round created by consuming cooked food.

Found my weight recently going up a little, which is odd. Perhaps this is as a consequence of detoxing a little. This weight increase happened before the last two days of not being 100% natural. I've been aware of wanting to be slower over things, and more relaxed.

Fitness wise I've been pretty good. Actually beat my personal best running record recently and my press-ups-until-collapse record as well, up to 47.