exaggerating certain impulses...

For a few days wasn't having evening meals again. Then, for various reasons, had a couple of evenings where I really *ate* a lot (vegan cooked, beans, grains, bread etc) - well, not a lot by conventional 'a lot' standards!), and I felt really drunk on food! And I was thinking to myself, this is why we eat. My inner vision dimmed, clouded, but for an instant, I felt good, in a sort of unconscious fashion. Who cares!? Let's eat!

But very soon, that tension in my abdomen started all over again, and I felt really bad. And with eating comes the desire for more eating. This I've reconfirmed to myself. Also, it shot my energy to  pieces in various other ways, as well. My craving was weirdly intensified. I could feel myself nearly shaking when it came to lunch the next day, maybe because all that eating did something to my blood sugar levels. This  is a bit strange, as I've never been someone who's had that blood sugar level drop thing, which some people get, and they *have* to eat to function. I've always been quite even in that way. Funny how my old fashioned way of eating, now seems to feel really bad.

On some level I feel that this refinement is pushing all the buttons, turning over stones, and exaggerating certain impulses. I'm going to trim down again, now I can see a bit better the effects of eating unconsciously and eating unnecessarily. I feel all the time that food is a strange thing to rely on, and that it's just bizarre to have this zombie-like  existence of food, supermarkets, and everything that goes with it. All the destruction.

Must increase level of training again, physical fitness, to help things along.

pushing and pulling sensations...

While I've been resuming a little more eating, I can feel its effect on my body really clearly. Also what I feel is that eating or not eating, neither really matter that much. Today, the food was having a strange effect, like pushing and pulling my body back and forth, a funny sensation.

Mid morning I was sitting with the children having a coffee, while they were having a snack, in cafe overlooking some water, and something happened to me, or my mind. Something I've felt before, but more acutely this time. I felt like consciousness is everywhere at once, and that consciousness really manifests through the body not via the head or eyes, but from the heart area. As I sat there, I really was experiencing this perfect expanse of Awakeness running through me as me - it was calm, true, not excitable nor emotional. My thinking mind really wasn't there very much. It was peaceful rather than 'happy', though this perfect expanse quite naturally leads to a more carefree and 'happy' state of mind. This feeling was like a ray of light, or a radius, like a sheet of light that extends in all directions simultaneously without end. I also saw how work is needed to bring the body and mind into alignment, to resonate more fully, with such things. In my case, probably rather a lot of work :-))

And I couldn't work out, again, how matter comes to be constructed, how things really manifest, how things are created out of this infinite sheet of consciousness. As I sat there, it seemed to me, that it really is just an illusion; and that the actual 'trick' in getting past the main barrier, lies in understanding one's own (beautiful) consciousness - and the non-reality of perceived reality  i.e. thoughts that attract similar thoughts (books, people, situations, and which only appear to corroborate what one thinks...)

I've grappled with this before, trying to draw out from the infinite, some answer  that makes sense in the finite, but there are no real ways to do this... a concrete way of dealing with this seemingly impossible barrier...and yet, it seems that having a more evolved body would be a definite advantage, in reflecting back some understanding, hence my interest in this subject. This is the work of light, really.

I've a long way to go!!

On a more practical note, I seem to have become totally uninterested by the thought of chocolate. It happened some months back, but seems to have settled back more fully, in  a deeper way. Looks like I'm on the road to having the diet of a monk!

No meat, no fish, no dairy, no alcohol, no nicotine, no drugs, no chocolate, little cooked food - what's wrong with me! Oh yes, I still have caffein, but maybe not forever, I don't know.

words fail....

I've recently sprung back from a period of very lean eating and some fasting, to eating more again. It's quite interesting how fasting and so on, brings out so many things. It has got to be a gradual thing. And it's not the end of the story...

For me the motivation has always been.... a sort of deep experience about existence. Recently I've been reading about other people's motivations, and I find it interesting how different they all are. One thing I see more and more though, is that I can't identify with some of the different approaches people have to this subject - and added to this, is that I feel that it's such a personal and deep thing, even the description of the process toward Breatharianism, and all the made up 'techincal' words, make no sense - or at least, to me they don't.

I don't mean it perjoratively or judgementally. It's just that it appears to me that 'something goes on', and who knows what it is.  It's possible to think one thing or another, or describe it one way or the other, but none of the intellectualisations make any sense, really. Or at least, to me they don't.

To this extent, even keeping a  blog on the subject, as I explore the early stages of this path, makes me see that in itself, it's sort of futile. I use the blog to organise my thoughts on the subject, but I don't even think there's anything to be organised, if that makes any sense. The best that can be said, is that it's all about using the Will, conjoined with the help of higher beings. Nothing much to add to that.

Maybe this blog is ending its lifespan, who knows.

Recently....

Recently...

Diet wise:
Two days ago I had some oats and plain muesli with rice milk in the morning. Late afternoon, a banana. In the evening, an apple and an orange. Yesterday, I didn't have anything. My energy has been good, strength good. Sense of stability good (i.e. no giddiness etc). But what I did find myself having again, was coffee. Am I addicted to coffee? Throughout the day a part of my mind was coaxing me to eat normal things, in a robotic fashion, but with the coffee, I couldn't seemingly stop myself. I begin to see, why coffee is the second  most traded commodity in the world, after oil... Must find a way in my mind, to work on this.

This morning have been eating 'normally' again, muesli + banana, but also toast, but they've been feeling like a stone inside of me. Haven't improved my energy at all, on the contrary.  And of course, had more coffee... At times I again wonder why am I bothering with this food refinement? Wouldn't it be easier to forget about it?

But no. How can I forget about such a radical thing is putting stuff inside of me. Besides, it doesn't equate with my deeper feelings and impressions of existence....

Just last week I had to have an evening meal (social), and the next morning my energy was bad, really rubbish. I couldn't do as many press-ups for example. On my lean dieting, I can do up to 35 full press-ups now, which I could never do before; but the day after the evening meal, I think I felt the pain at 15 and got to about 25 or something, and my arms trembled and I died! ha ha