sickness

Recently I got a stomach bug from my son (he got it from school). He was sick. I was sick. My sickness however went on longer than his, many hours of vomitting. My stomach has reacted like this before to things like alcohol and rich food - as if the signals from inside me, through my body, are trying to tell me something - my body is wanting to rid itself of everything. After that, didn't feel like eating. Felt that I should though, as if it was the 'sensible' thing to do, and had a cooked meal on the evening of the day I recovered, because I lost about half a stone from being sick and so on. Didn't go down well. Now in a situation where I'm meant to be eating as normal again (i.e. not just raw), but finding that it makes me depressed. I can feel such a gathering of light, and changeover in my body, but socially I guess I'm in a situation where only I'm experiencing this fact, which isn't easy at all.

adventures in food

Real progressions going on. Dwindling muesli intake at breakfast, doing mostly fruits. Lunch, salad, nuts and fruits. If I look back, the idea of not having an evening meal seems quite strange. I've noticed that feelings of hunger can  be replaced with a sort of bubbling up feeling in the stomach (not wind!), a sort of energy, that travels up the chest. I've noticed that stress and negative emotions reduces weight. There are so many things going on inside my body, I'm only partly aware of all that is happening. But that this is all true and real is amazing, really.

finding a way forward

A new vision of self arising. Being able to exist and operate without all of the motivations that motivated me in the past. This is linking in with this deep fix I've always had, about the reason for things and motivations. Such bodily changes are truly meaningful - unlike, say, a mental excitement induced from a story or a piece of art. This new way of being is empty of past motivations, and there's a real joy in not being bound by this need to be always doing or being something. More to do with being in harmony with all things, and realising that really all anyone really wants in this world, is love.

Physically: training going on well, muscle toning, runs. More muscle seems to keep weight up. No evening meals again. Have decided to really break from any bread stuff. All these different things slowly dropping off. Breakfast  too becoming less (oats, rice milk, fruit, no more processed muesli). Lunch, still salad, fruit, nuts and so on, but tiring of the processed humous. This will probably go too soon.

Inner resolve increasing, with regards to the awkwardnesses induced by social occasions.

It's strange how I feel this need to explore in different ways what my body can do. It's as if it's being tested or put into shape from different angles. For example, I would go through a day without eating in the past, while working etc, but now it seems I'm more about doing this in a comprehensive way, whereby I eat something to know it and discard it, or something like that. All I can say is that it's as if different angles are being covered. It's a subtle game to gently find a way forward so that automatic thought-forms related to food drop off easily.

building of light

There's been a real building of light and intent going on.

Yet, I had to have a cooked meal the other evening, as it would have been too weird for the other person for them to eat on their own in front of me (they traveled some distance to visit). So I had a stir-fry. I had to make a quick run for the loo later, explosive guts, as my body really didn't want it. Two days later, had to have more cooked again in the evening and felt heavy this time, and my guts didn't want to turn everything out. Funny how the body gets used to whatever its given and instructed.

Understanding far more the necessity of deep intent, free of other people's opinion.

This thing about food, it really just comes down to freedom. I don't want to theorize on energies or anything like that anymore. Though I probably will again from force of habit, at some point.

Freedom, and feeling love unencumbered by heaviness (of food) is the reason for all of this.

Spiritual progression and the regulation of heat

Many things have been coming to mind recently, as related to the changes going on in me. And I suppose the main topic of this blog post has to do with the regulation of internal heat - and how our existence is very much dependent on creating heat.

This subject of heat/cold is highly relevant because it's quite normal to feel cold when refining food intake. Eating generates its own internal heat, and so heats the body up. This is well observed by hunters in the Arctic, who need to snack frequently to generate internal heat to keep warm. So it seems, there is a close correlation between the generation of internal heat, cold, and the subject of inedia.

Generally also, regulation of ones internal heat governs ones ability to override ones passions and appetites. In some Buddhist texts there is a close correlation between appetite for food and sexual appetite.

It's curious that we humans derive heat from foods that have been pre-cooked. Let's say, an oatcake, has been processed and cooked. In some way, the heat, or energy, from a pre-cooked food is taken advantage of by the body, if it requires food as its source of sustenance. The energy of fire/heat has been transfered to the cooked oats, and then drawn into the body. This is perhaps why becoming a raw foodist is a giant leap. It pre-supposes an ability to drawn energy from other sources than just the raw food. Typically, raw-foodists look somewhat bad in health studies, though I wonder how many of these are also spiritually open and inspired. Maybe some of these raw foodists are the same as some militant vegans, who are wholly identified by their dietary choice, rather than having a rounded approach to existence. I'm surprised by some vegans I have met, who seem ignorant of the reality of the spiritual side of life, and fly their vegan banner for its own sake. In these cases, it wouldn't surprise me if a similar approach to raw-foodism would lead to health difficulties.

My circulation has been bad lately. A run will sort it out, but so will generally meditation. I prefer meditation to help circulate the energies. However, I'm finding it really hard to sort out my circulation lately. This circulation problem was there even  before I became vegan - in fact, even as a teenager I went through periods of rotten circulation. But then it would subside again. It has to do with certain blocks and resistances within me, which come and go. But this problem is definitely even more present now I eat more raw than anything else.

In a sense it takes my journey to the nub of the issue - the regulation of internal  heat. I'm not able to really agree or disagree with intricate explanations of chakras and energy etc etc, it seems all a bit too specific - it's possible to explain anything by anything really, but it's entertainment rather than anything else.How does anything ultimately work?

At least I know if something is hot, or cold, or whether I feel hunger or not, but that's just me.

Aww, need to sort this cold nose out again.

Another ramble :-)

striking a balance between going forward and pausing

Having reduced things right down to really raw stuff, on some days having no bread or coffee etc either, I'm reaching bit of a no-go point within myself, and having to back off a bit. I find myself craving something that'll give me a hit - e.g. bread, coffee. This doesn't bother me too much - I see the things I used to really want, and how these desires have gone gradually.

So today had bread, and coffee, as well as my usual raw stuff. The other thing, is that my deeper feelings of existence seem to disappear when my food intake is really reduced at the moment. I know that this doesn't have to be this way, that it's just a question of adaptation. My entire motivation toward refinement are the very real feelings of the sublimeness of consciousness.

It's curious the dynamic between using the Will to progress along this path, and letting grace and light and love do its part. It's like a handshake. Getting the balance between the choosing to move forward, and letting light happen, appears to be the thing. Something like that, anyway. 

what a day

 What a day!  I trained too hard. I ran faster than ever. Food: only fruits for breakfast and salad and nuts for lunch. After my evening run, I had two fruits. But the next morning my body was aching and needing things, so I ate more than usual, even cooked for lunch and evening. And my guts really regretted, my goodness! I don't want to repeat that... The pain I felt in my torso was bad, really bad.  While I was eating, I was thinking, hey this is fine, but.... What comes up must come down.

So I must train sensibly and go easy on myself. Do enough exercise to work with the body, but not too hard. Returning to fruits and such like. Must avoid those other foods, which my body are indicating to me as no good at the moment.

lately...

Lately... had a very hard day with foul emotions and feelings rising out of me, really crazy stuff... but this has passed now. Am experiencing my body in a really different way, as if there's this blueprint rising up, a blueprint where my body functions in a smoother and better way.

Still no evening meals. Really going off muesli and rice milk in the mornings, too. Lunch, salad still and fruit.  Find intake of certain foods really incompatible with this underlying sense of eveness and balance - like leavened bread.

Deep feelings of existence and of reality.

Fitness wise - good runs, push ups, got up to 39.