A Curtain Of Light

Today I've been mostly fruit based again - and how much better I  feel!

In my last post I mentioned an alleviating of fear, and I want to expand on that a little. At the moment, I feel like fear in all its forms and guises is being dislodged from within me; it feels like a very practical and even deliberate process. And with this refining of food, I've been re-experiencing things as I used to do as a child, before I became absorbed by all the confusing signals of this world. This happens to so many of us - we experience the wonderment of creation as a child, but somehow are unable to draw down this reality, until a little later in life, and create an expression of it in our environment - we became beset by fears and other constrictions. When I say wonderment, I don't mean so much as an imaginative approach to life, as a direct experience of the forces and glue that bind this world together - the quality of the experience is very different. Which brings me to my title for today's journal.

I've been feeling this implaccable wall or curtain of light, that comes down onto me. The experience is quite different to communications or sensations from the 'other' side, rather, it's a force that somehow goes deeper than that. In some ways it feels like Love, that is there regardless of who I am; and so, I'm both caught by this drastic sense of impersonality, and yet also by this sense of Divine reality. And I realise, that Love really is automatic, blesses evenly, regardless of whether someone is a murderer or a saint. Perhaps this 'fear of God' that crops up in religions, is an experience of this type. The only way that I can take, or stand firmly in the light of this force, is to work on myself and work up my inner balance. Like everyone else, the Being behind creation Loves me, but how much of it can I truly, really accept? Mysticism often refers to the levels of existence, and that higher forces and beings are too much to bear for souls who are lower down the steps/wheels of creation; perhaps this is something along those lines.

Another thing I experience, is that turning away from food isn't done because food is bad  per se (er-humm.... obviously!!), but because being filled with the Spirit, for want of a better (and less religious!) description, is far more satisfying than the sensations of food. Perhaps an analogy could be: once someone has eaten great food from a great cook, they realise how unsatisfying the food they used to eat before was, from the not-so-great cook! Same thing, but in a deeper way...

A few days of Cooked food

A few days on cooked food

There's so much I'm learning with regards to food. For the last three nights I had cooked food, and I can't say that I feel good on it. In the mornings I can feel kind of muddy - nothing like the lightness from just eating fruit. This process of change in me is unstoppable. I can feel all these things going on inside my body, and my being. I seem to have moved past a whole aspect of fear. More and more I'm feeling the supportive nature of existence. It's strange how experiences of things that penetrate and encompass the material world, are infinite in tone and quality, ever new. I hope that these dark ages that humanity exists in, passes for a while - and all this automatic belief in food consumption with all of the so-called empirical science to support these notions, are seen for what they are. Knowledge bases that really are only self-referring, but that never comprehend the deeper causes of things.

There are so many mysteries, that can only be understood through intuition. So much value is put on empirical methods, and yet, when there's something that doesn't fit a certain model, these things are discarded. For example, evolutionary theory can never answer where on earth (excuse the pun) the Aboriginal people of Australia came from. And that is only one hole, of many, that exist in modern thinking.

Even though I prefer fruits, I find rice ok. But even then, food feels like such blockage. I feel like my body is just saying no to these things; but for the while, from habit and situation, I'm likely to continue eating things, even though I feel that it has short term period for me. I feel more and more attracted to juices. Which I find a little surprising, as I seem to be following a general pattern so far i.e. flesh-eating, vegetarian, vegan, raw-vegan, fruitarian, liquidarian... But who knows what will happen next.

 Really, it's such an odd thing ingesting matter. Even fruits and so on, are things of the earth, which are there for their own sake, and that of creation. All things have an effect. Even though eating fruits doesn't have the same impact on self and others as flesh-eating, it's still part of the loop of creation.

I'm really learning the ultra-importance of non-judgement toward everyone, in whatever people do. This seems to be an essential factor in progress, on all levels.

Some developments and realisations, a recap

For a while now I've been feeling this urge to refine my food intake. On this path, I've become vegan from being a vegetarian (though I can't technically call myself a fruitarian nor raw vegan at this point, though I have strong tendencies that way), and I have to say, it feel fantastic leaving these animal products behind e.g. milk and eggs. It isn't only the ethical side of it, and compassion for living creatures that have a sense of self, but also to avoid putting animal energy into my body. It's funny how one becomes accustomed to eating certain things. I remember I always felt eggs to be somewhat weird to eat, but got used to it; and now I can see the weirdness for what it really is. It's putting chicken energy into my body! Do I want chicken energy in my body?? So it isn't just an ethical aspect, in some ways, it's about purifying oneself. It's the aspect associated with forging a path toward unity.

The main drive behind this refinement, is this feeling that we're evolving as a planet, and that each individual who works at their lives, and their food intake, adds to the overall effect of change. We're all changing together. One day we will exist in this planet without needing physical food, once the addictions and attachments have passed. A main angle to this urge toward refinement, is an experience of reality beyond the physical, and a dimension of love that exists only a hair's breadth away from us, every micro second of the day.

What I'm realising, is that it's possible to experience this truth, whether one eats or not. Love and compassion extends to all beings, regardless of activity. And yet, through fasting or refining one's food intake, it's definitely true to say, that it brings one closer to things that are true.

Personally, if I've eaten very little (and I have a very busy life, and work consistently hard when I'm working on someone's house, or looking after my children), I see that energy generates energy. I take very minimal breaks when I work, breaks just slow me down. In fact, I generally sit down for 2 minutes at lunch, to rest my legs, and that's it. Then I'm off again. Perhaps this is also why I prefer working alone, where I can set my own pace. The pace of work generates it's own momentum. This snowballing effect of energy, can be applied across most phenomena I think.

But what I have also found, through restricting my food intake - e.g. small breakfast, no lunch, fruits in the evening, is that my own fears and limitations loom mightily in my mind. On the one hand, I know that I'm fine, and have lots of energy, and yet on the other, a part of me is saying: 'You're a fool. You're going to die. Look at all the weight you've lost. You're a sick man!' etc. Weight loss is a significant issue. It's difficult to look and feel thin, when it isn't something one is used to. It is very amazing how many negativities arise when the stomach hasn't got something to latch onto!

Then there is the issue of hunger. It is all entirely psychological I believe. A significant thing I've observed, is that the feeling of hunger I might have when I'm eating next to nothing (which will come and go), is no different to the feeling I have when I have just eating well. So what is going on? How can I feel hungry in both scenarios? I think that it's really only got to do with the stomach expanding or contracting, giving the brain signals. Rather like the hunger one can feel a bit later after a large meal. It isn't hunger of course, it's just that the stomach has been stretched, and now it's beginning to settle back again.

I'm realising that little steps at a time are the best thing for me. Slowly, and appreciatively of what life has to offer. If I was in a different situation, I would definitely want to do a long fast. But it's worth remembering, that  large changes in many ways should come from an inner urge, not as a mental concept having seen what someone else has done. I think this is very important. I think there are people out there who have maybe become a bit mixed up, borrowing someone else's life-path, and trying to apply it to themselves. This might work for them (after all, all things do have to start as an idea), but there has to be a genuine resonance for it to be really appropriate for them.

Rooting one's experience and urges in love and respect, without letting the ego always latch onto things, is really the safest way.

Good cheer without cooking?

In the darkness of space, eating cooked food warms us up, and fills our life with cheer - a cheer we feel we lack, sometimes. And there's the rub; this separation from truth, from love, is the very thing that provokes hunger and a sense of separation and loneliness. But we are not alone. The physical world is just one of endless others. When we are attuned to the truth, we feel love, and no hunger, for we are fed from higher sources. It is our birthright.