In my last post I said I was going to have a chocolate croissant at the weekend and a coffee- well that did happen, but only two weeks later. It was ok. Not sure I really enjoyed it that much. The coffee registered positively in my brain, but then there was the come down later.... so...

It's just been fruits and nuts for me all this time, since last time. My weight still hovers just a little under ten stone. I'm preparing for a fruit Christmas. (Salad has been out, don't feel like it, for a long time now.) That's going to be interesting, with relatives etc. Funny, but I really don't care about it. Perhaps because I feel certain about my course of action. Also, I've said to myself and my wife, that I can revert to cooked anytime, but I think we both know, that's not going to happen any time soon...

The other thing is the weather. It's cold. It's damp. But I'm still on fruits. Something's happened to me, and what has happened to me, is not something I can easily explain. I should be cramming the bread in, drinking gallons of coffee, but that's not happening. I am drinking warm teas though, usually herbal.

Actually, I feel strangely isolated in myself at the moment, with other moments of clear perception.

The one thing - or two things, or even three! - I have to  face are
1)my job
2)computer time
3)bedtime

1)I need to quit it. I don't really fit in the IT company. I don't what the f**k I'm doing there really!! Not a clue.
2)I've been spending more and more time on the computer recently, it's like a disease/addiction. I have to quit this constant checking of, just rubbish really. I don't like it when I see people buried in their tablets/ipads/phones/laptops... so why have I been doing this more and more??
3)I have to go to bed earlier.

I don't know how I'm going to quit my job. I'd love just to walk out, without even giving notice, so I don't have to face the people there anymore. Giving notice is the worst kind of imprisonment, in some ways. But it's helpful, and it's nice to be helpful?

Other than that, it's more and more obvious to me.... that everything I do is just one form of distraction to another... it's like my ego is going through some kind of revolt against... just to be a body, animated by consciousness, with no agenda, with no desire to be anything or anybody, someone/body unknown...  with the hope that the overall shape/design of the planet improves... I can't really see anything else worthwhile wishing for really... there's nothing else to do than keep working toward that...

Finally some peace....

I just wanted update my blog a little.

My path has always been two steps forward and one step back. If I look  back, I see I've come a long way at not being a total addict.

Sometimes I was eating a lot of raw food, then going back onto the bread, or coffee big time and so on.

Something has changed now though. It's been months since I've had bread. Coffee, too, I'm switching off without any sense of loss at all. I feel so much freer. I get through work without coffee! Now that is strange.

As I go forward, I'm happy to join in very occasionally. For example, next Saturday morning I'll have coffee and a vegan pain-au-chocolat. The rest of the week, just fruits and some carrot and almonds.

What I foresee, is that this too will slowly start to feel strange (or maybe not!), but for now I'm happy with it. I feel at peace, because I don't crave some of the things I used to...

No rules! Just going with the flow.

I know this blog had the word 'breatharianism' in it, but really, I don't know about that at all. That's just an idea, and I have no idea what it means. What does anything mean? :-))

The Test....

It's been a while since I've updated my blog.

The main thing really, is how I feel that every inch of my life is under inspection... No dark patch or emotion can be left... and also, my reactions to all things are being tested. Much inspiration from Buddhism and very brief contact I had with Buddhist monks. It is possible to go beyond desire and develop a deeply stable mind. Letting go, and in the process, seeing and receiving more, with always the desire to uplift the world in some way.

I wrote that wheat was a long struggle for me, but since last update, I've had no attraction to bread (June I think it was). I used to hit the bread like an addict (because I was an addict). I still drink coffee :-)) This is under review for me now too.

My food intake is really mostly fruits and carrots and celery, and almonds. I haven't felt better. If I feel like 'joining in', as it were, on a Saturday morning, I have a chocolate croissant, but my body reacts to that - not dramatically, but my body doesn't want this. I kind of enjoy that Saturday thing, but on the other hand, it also feels like eating slime or something... (I don't say that to anyone :-)) )

I feel like my body wants to reject  what I'm mostly eating - all that sweet fruit, and fibrous raw vegetables. It's weird, or perhaps normal, but I have bowl movements four or five times a day. I read that was healthy somewhere, I don't know. I just know that my body is eliminating stuff as quickly as possible, to get it out... The opposite, bowls stuck with unprocessed matter, is clearly a health risk. It seems to me, health isn't so much about what one eats, but more about what one doesn't.

Here's a thing I've learned for myself. Eliminating food stuffs isn't really to gain anything for this life, like amazing health or longevity (after all, we all die :-)) ). It's that everything we put into ourselves has a kind of resonance, a link to the whole process surrounding the food product. I feel freer without putting into myself all those energies...

I mentioned that I'm under inspection by something greater than me, and that continues to be true. It really is like a test. Often, I don't welcome it at all, and just wish I could be 'normal' and eat normally, But on the other hand, stagnation is not an option...

Weight still the same, 10 stone. Stopped running (my joints troubled by it). Keeping fit though, push ups etc.

Wheat is no longer my friend

Since last entry I've been off wheat again. During last entry, I ate a lot of wheat stuffs, and even a small cooked breakfast (it was meant to be a Father's day treat, eh). The next day, I had to go to the loo 5 times. My body couldn't get rid of all that stuff quick enough.

And so, I've finally taken a position against wheat. I don't like taking positions against anything really, but wheat has driven me to it. My struggle has always been bread, while eating everything else raw. I've tended to stay away from taking a position, because it's so easy to take a view, from a mental/intellectual standpoint, which has nothing to do with what is actually right for oneself - and sometimes seeing which one is which, can be tricky. People everywhere are driven by ideals that don't necessarily match what is right for them. But in my case, after many months (even a couple of years?) of going to and fro over bread, I've decided to take a line. My line is that wheat is not good for the human body. Wheat is addictive and weakens the body. I've concluded this from the emotional energy associated with wheat, and how the gluten acts like glue in the body. But it goes further than that, gluten free bread is not the answer either. There's something about wheat - gluten free or not - which is completely addictive. I think taking a position against wheat is a game changer.

So wheat is no longer my friend - the kind of friend who was fun, but essentially bad company to be in :-)) (like ex girlfriends I guess, in some cases!)

That leaves me with only coffee as a cooked substance I use.

Wheat is strange, everything revolves around wheat, practically every eating social activity is wheat related.

What I'm going through reminds me of something I heard Genesis Sunfire say once. Something along the lines of, while it's ok to just follow ones own process and the ups and downs and not forcing anything, sometimes one has to take a position against certain things (food related, that is), employing an act of will etc.

Weight wise still just over 10 stone, nothing much has changed. Fitness is good, go swimming sometimes, do a few weights also, am slim but quite well toned I suppose (probably still thin looking to many people). Before I couldn't get used to be just over 10 stone (thought it was too light for someone 6"2'), but I feel great on it really, so I have to stop worrying about that completely. Actually, I have very long runner's legs, so that's where my height comes from. Without my legs, I'd be a shorty :-)

 Looks like my body likes being this way.

Next step in the journey - no wheat from now on! Feels quite strange somehow.

After my month of no cooked, gone back to bread things, but without much joy in it. Some  very weird things going on though... This change backwards has been accompanied with this powerful feeling (like a psychic feeling) of being helped by others who are further on this path than I am. And what has come to light, is that what is really holding me back, is fear - fear of going even further into the unknown, and a lack of commitment to these things.

Despite all the resources out there on this thing that is happening to so many people, i.e. living without physical food... it doesn't help that much, in the sense that one's own personal path and obstacles are not made any easier by knowing that others have gone through similar things. I feel very much like, that I'm stumbling forward completely into the unknown.

After that month without bread, I had two or three days of small amounts of cooked stuff,then nothing cooked for a week (I was thinking this pattern was at last different) but then the bread bug kicked in, - that, and more coffee too (apart from that small cup once a week). These things all seem to be connected somehow coffee-cookedfood-bread. It's rather like, I get the taste for these harder things, and it kicks off the whole cycle again.

I know the only way to kick the habit, is to kick it for good. It's interesting though that twice now I've dumped the bread for a month (as well as cooked food obviously, which I never have much of anyway apart from bread when I'm on it), but twice now when I've reached the end of the month, and something in me is still telling me to go for that drug stuff again.

So that's how it's gone. After those butter beans in a salad, I've had some stuff I thought I'd never have again - croissant type things, and more coffee than over last month (where was having one cup a week). On the other hand, I don't feel like I've completely lost my balance. Just last night, strong feelings of light. Today in the office was tough, sitting at a computer all day, getting achey etc. And this going back to stuff I haven't had for a month (crappy wheat), all started because I had a weird time at my folks, still processing it. Still don't feel like I'm going to start eating loads of bread though. Had some nuts too, which I haven't had for a month. Last time, after my month of abstience from things I've been very addicted to, I started on them for a long time after again. This time, I want to reign things in quicker, I'll give it two or three days.

Introduced a little more coffee again while away at my folk's. Tiny cups of coffee. Came back after a few days away, and felt really hungry. I always feel hungry when I came back from their house. Even though I only ate fruit and salad while they had all their usual stuff - and their daughters love to bake, continuously, bread and cakes - when I got home, had a tin of broad beans with some salad stuff. Now I feel a bit yuky. Why do I always feel hungry when I come back from their house, weird. Think it's an emotional thing, somehow - seeing my mother, sister etc. Could have been worse. Could have binged on bread. Whole month now without bread - without anything cooked or processed at all - apart from the broad beans today. Nothing like old family connections to stir things up. Weight just above 10 stone, last time I looked. 

I'm feeling so sad at the moment at the insane destruction of the animal kingdom by humans. Went past three loaded cattle trucks on the road at different times, sheep in one, cows in two others; all crammed in, looking stressed, piss and shit coming off the trucks, headed for the abattoirs. What a lack of compassion. What insanity. All for the sake of taste pleasure. Humans seriously need to wake up.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with this food refinement, and then I feel like I'm on the greatest adventure of my life. Did a salt flush yesterday – not sure it was quite for me. Definitely made me go more, fairly quickly too, but had lower back ache (kidneys) as well as feeling nauseous at first. However, I did feel that it was really removing and scraping away a lot of sludge inside. Also, it definitely killed my appetite for food.

Nothing changed much over last couple of days, fruits mostly. Developing a dislike toward bananas, which I find surprising, so having less of them. Still getting feelings of depression, almost, after eating. Thinking it might be too much sugar from the fruits, but not sure. Something's going on. Weight about the same.

Still the same. Fruits mainly, some salad. No bread, no coffee. Working on my fitness, but without running. Doing stretching and yoga etc. 

Have a feeling that the body is just the way it is, whether body has food or not, but functions better without. Mind programs and karma etc dictate the state of someone's body. Substances that the body has no idea what to do with, just stores it as fat. Nourishment is really a feeling of inner care – eating something engenders that feeling of being nurtured (perhaps similar to what Rudolph Steiner has said, that energy is drawn through the process of eating, but not actually the food itself). If feelings of inner care and wholeness are maximised, and addicted thought processes removed, it is possible to live without food. 

Science seems to study how the body processes food, without really knowing where all the energy comes from. So it surmises (quite sensibly, on the whole) that food is the energy source humans need; but it's a long way from being the whole story.

Been working on my cold hands, face and nose and feet. Connected to this, feeling a lot more impatient and angry (esp. with the children), and by being more forthright, I've actually improved my circulation. It's as if my bad circulation has been down to being too repressed somehow, literally not being hot blooded enough. So I need to get a balance. Musn't take anything out of the kids! That's the opposite of love. But I guess, as a parent it's always hard to know when to be assertive and when to let things go.

3 weeks later still on the same path. Just raw stuff, 1 coffee a week (actually had 2 last week, socially). Weight staying about 65kg. Definitely building more muscle again, slowly. Eating mostly fruits though some salad at lunch. No oil on salad. Doing raw garlic, seems to be quite a good way to kill off some of the nasties inside.

Whenever I skip food, I get a feeling that it's the way forward. Had a strange thrumming feeling in my body, in my guts, when lying down in the evening without anything to eat. Mentioning it, because the feel of it was way different somehow to anything before, like something being done to me, rather than something just going on and generated by my own body. In fact, even heard someone (the same feel of the energy I mentioned thrumming) say to me 'let us liberate you from needing food'.

Today got home from work at lunch, half day, and didn't want to have anything, but forced myself to; salad, a large smoothie (bananas, orange etc etc). Nearly immediately my extremities became cold. Kind of strange, suffered from cold hands and feet when I was a teenager, then didn't, now it's full circle again, years later. I'll get over it somehow. Anyway, also suddenly out of the blue started to feel really down after eating, like depressed or something - that's weird, because I have no idea where that came from, but it came out of me. Feel fine now. :-)

Again get this feeling that I'm already there, just need to remove a little more, somehow. I mean, remove more murky stuff that is blocking the way.

Just been eating lots of fruits since last update, mostly smoothies. Very interesting how I seem off bread completely, totally. Allowing myself one small cup of coffee a week, with my other half. Always was our Saturday routine. At the moment, even feel like I'll never go back to bread or in fact anything cooked. I'm feeling that in the same way that I felt when I became veggie and then vegan. It's a bigger thing though, going pure fruitarian, than turning vege or vegan, so I'm not concluding anything yet. Just seem to be pushed that way. Not entirely comfortable with the sugar rush and headache I get from all this fruit, even though I try and burn it off through being very active, lifting weights, doing squats, etc. Feel like something else is going on. Like fruits are just another distraction, really. Still, my plan is to get stronger and fitter again, create more bulk with muscle, before fasting again. That's my aim, at least. Last checked my weight, was 65kgs, up from my 10 stone (or 63.5kg), which was my personal cut-off point. Just get this sense that I need to be clean and fit for the next step. No going back, that's what it feels like.

Hit the 10 stone mark this, so I'm eating lots of fruits again. Had three smoothies today and extra fruits in between. Will start doing more exercise and have started working out a little again. Won't go running though. I feel this sense of different things that need to be in place, to be more aligned, to make a switch to different nourishment possible. This also involves less babbling on this blog :-). 

So far don't feel that great eating all that fruit. But really not sure what else to eat, doesn't seem to be anything else.

yesterday:

Breakfast smoothie: 2 bananas, 2 strawberries, 1 grapefruit, a few grapes

Water throughout the day

In the evening, had a banana

A much more hectic day than I intended. Ended up by going to a folk music festival, instead of staying in the house, with the children going stir crazy. It was cold and windy, but we had a good time. Amazing dancers and singers from Czechoslovakia. Thought I'd be weak from lack of nutrition (compared to my usual) but I wasn't at all. Even 7 year old son on my shoulders to see over the crowds, no problem. Didn't manage to drink as much water throughout, as I intended though. In the evening, weight dipped under 10 and a quarter stone, which I'm not surprised about. I think I'm going to start having more stuff again today, we shall see. I feel really great, but I don't want to become too skinny.

Other rambling thoughts today:

It's amazing how fasting or even semi-fasting as in my case increases ones perception of things. Realise of course, that anything I read or hear on the internet about, well, anything really, is meaningless. I can only make up my own mind on things, listen to my own intuition. At the end of the day, the internet has to be switched off completely for spiritual progress, in my opinion, as well as books etc. Of course, information content can be found to reflect ones own viewpoint, but really, it's only a reflection. There's nothing 'new' ever discovered out there, really, only reflections.

And as to the subject of inedia, my guess is still that, there's a vast number of people who would do well just to forget about it. It doesn't matter. Everyone dies. Nothing is designed to live forever, physically speaking. Even forms on the more subtle realms, have to be abandoned. It's kind of ironic, that in the world of breatharianism, people really do want to have a piece of the cake and eat it, as it were. :-)

On the other hand, only speaking for myself, my intuition used to tell me over and over to fast and not eat, years ago, many years before I'd even heard of 'breatharianism' or even the possibility of it. When I used to have an impulse not to eat, and fast sensibly and prayerfully, I had no idea about the whole subject. I just knew that we humans are voracious consumers and far from spiritual alignment. The first I heard of the subject and knew it had a title, was when I came across something on the internet.

I guess ultimately each person has to decide for themselves what gives them energy to life the life they feel inspired to live. If it's cake and biscuits, why not? Obviously there are some options which are healthier than others, but enjoyment and fun goes a long way in giving someone a happy long life. Perhaps some people are fasting without deep connection to Soul, as a mental process – I'd say, forget about it then, go and have some fun. God enjoys fun. Interestingly, in Islam, when you die, it's said that God asks you whether you enjoyed your life or not, and if not, why not? The implication is that it's meant to be about joy and fun. My view is that killing animals for food fun is spiritually unacceptable, so perhaps notwithstanding that, everything else goes.

If there's no joy in attempting a spiritual progression, maybe it's just the wrong path for somebody.

One thing I know, is that I enjoy rambling writing :-))

08-05-15

Breakfast – smoothie made of 2 bananas, grapes, 1 orange, small slice of melon.

Lunch – Remainders of breakfast smoothie

Had a banana late afternoon, for no apparent reason, except it was there and over ripe, and I needed an immediate boost as I was looking after the children

Weight this morning still about 10 and a quarter stone, just under. This is certainly different from last time when I cut back food drastically, when my weight loss seemed to go in freefall. But today lots of anxiety in my head, worrying about getting too thin etc. Something telling me not to worry though. This feels real.

Dry mouth all day despite drinking plenty of fluids. Bad taste in my mouth. Red mark on my face coming out.

Overall, funny sensation that I'm me but not me at all, really. We are many.

Did some yoga.

Had a bath, felt bathed in golden light from above.

Feel committed to what's going on here. When I became veggie 20 years ago, I knew that was it. When I turned vegan few years back, I knew that was it too. And now I'm on this new phase, I don't even know what it is.

I have to go to work tomorrow for a half day.

09-05-14

Breakfast: Smoothie made from 2 bananas, 2 strawberries, a few grapes, and a slice of melon.

Had the rest of it during the morning at work. Keeping hydrated with herbal teas and water throughout the day.

Slight headache all day, hardly noticeable though. Squeezing in my chest/stomach cavity again. My weight today is just under 10 and a quarter stone, but only fractionally. Not sure if it's due to less fluids or not. Loads of energy all day, feel fine, alert etc.

more updates

[Really I should update this daily, instead of pasting several days in one go. I just find it easier not to log in everyday. I'll try though in future.]

06-05-15

Had a third of an apple yesterday late afternoon.

Breakfast: smoothie and half a grapefruit. Banana in the morning. Lunch: half a cooked potato and a fruity salad for, also, a small piece of a lentil bake thingy I made for my wife (I didn't eat all of it, really did taste like dirt). Nothing else for the rest of the day (apart from teas, and fruit juice and water).

This morning woke up feeling clearer than usual. Weight this morning about 10 and a quarter stone, after big morning wee. It could be loss of fluids that made my weight drop.

Working part time in the IT company is kind of odd with all this going on, but ok really. This is also why I took half a baked potato to work with me – felt like I needed something to latch onto at work, if that makes any sense. In a room with 13 computers and 26 monitors, electro static nightmare. Probably a good thing that I'm only part-time there.

Feel so much better without evening food. All I can say, is that something is going on and it feels good. Quite a few days now on this diet change. Been doing more stretching and meditating too. Presence of blue light again.

Fitness, well not running much anymore, not sure it was doing me any good. Hip imbalance too great to make the long distances safe. Eating reduced food has been unknotting this whole part of my body. I recall now, how as I child, I'd eat stuff in great quantity (Christmas etc), and how I could feel it shape my body (in not good ways), in a deep way – how imbalances within food create imbalances in body. I have much to work through on this still I think.

07-05-15

Breakfast half a grapefruit. Lunch, a few fruits with some lettuce leaf. Various fluids all day. Feeling like fluids are actually heavy in me somehow, but I'm proceeding with plenty of fluids anyway. Weight has still been hovering around the 10 and quarter stone mark.

I was going to have some baked potato at my lunch, but as I was handling it, a voice seemed to say to me 'NO' really strongly. So I left it. Beginning to understand how eating cooked food sets off old habits in the body. How cooperation with the forces at work must be listened to. Hope I can keep it up.

After my plate of fruits, I bit into a small cube of the baked potato just to see and it tasted all wrong so I spat it out. In the evening, cooking pasta for the children, I tested a piece of pasta on my teeth but had no inclination to have even a morsel of it.

Again feelings of the deepness of life. I'm always going on about that.

Strangely, despite not eating anything much at all last few days, I had an itchy bottom today (candida related I feel sure), something I've had on and off for quite a few years. Maybe I need a salt flush or something. Need to look that up.

Not very hungry really, and plenty of energy throughout the day. Did some stretching, and spent some moments in rare glimpses of sun. Went to bed probably too late, about 11pm.

Sudden change

It's strange, the day after my last update, this massive urge to refine once more took hold of me. I was expressing my unhappiness at being so addicted, and then suddenly something else took over. My notes for those days:

Wed 30-04-14

nothing to eat all day; juices (too much), some water - terrible headache and feeling of nausea, also felt weak and tired. Not sure if nausea is due to too much juice or lack of caffein :-).

Thursday 01-05-14

1 Grapefruit in the morning. Felt good, strong, not hungry that much.

Friday 02-05-14

1 Grapefruit and 1 banana for breakfast, worried about going through my morning at the office on nothing, when quitting things and going to work are not a good match. Also had a banana at work. Being in front of computers and working hard quite difficult with diet change. Later in the day, massive amount of bananas in the house, and felt guilty at them all going ripe and uneaten – that old program of 'not wasting'. Had 9!! Started to feel really nauseous some time later, and in bed that night still nauseous.I mean, really nauseous. 

Saturday 03-05-14

Had 1 grapefruit this morning. Don't feel sick.

Have plenty of energy. Doing decorating today in the house.

Half a pear for lunch. Teas and water throughout the day. Plenty of energy, only feel slightly hungry. A couple of times had that strange pinched feeling, but this thing of breathing deep into my abdomen takes over. Also, been feeling spiritual forces at work. This feeling from them saying 'You are with us now'. Happy that my resistances to their presence and their offer has diminished so much.

04-05-15

Didn't sleep well. All of my energy keyed up. Had a lustful thought and it went through my body like wildfire. It takes just one thought. Slept quite badly. Loads of thoughts and impressions from years ago bothering me. Woke up with strong heat in my body, and felt weak, and slightly sweaty. I felt drawn somehow. Noticed weight has dropped since the 30th by just under half a pound. Had a piece of melon and a fruit smoothie for breakfast and that helped. Later, my stools felt really hot, strange. I didn't want to eat anything, but I had to do dad things with the children, and there's no way I'm going to get behind the wheel of a car, feeling like I can't operate! :-)) After more painting work, felt somewhat better. Later in the day, having worked all day, realised that I was fine, not that tired, painting away. A few cups of herbal tea her and there. Weight the same as last night. Could this finally be the beginning of things? The hardest thing will be my wife and the family, if it is. It's lonely for her when I'm not partaking in anything – and yet, this urge is so absolutely strong to follow this path. It's as I was as a child, inspired by higher things, before all the murk and lies got hold of me. Have to wait and see I suppose. I'm very surprised I've gone through a whole day of decorating on a piece of melon and glass of smoothie.

05-05-15

Lost more weight since yesterday, to just under 10 and a ½ stone. So this morning had a large smoothie consisting of two bananas, 3 strawberries, a slice of melon and two small oranges, and then ate another banana a little later. I hope to put some weight on again. I really don't want to lose weight. 6'2” and 10.5 stone is the limit for me, really. I don't mind working with feelings of discomfort in my torso, but I really don't want to become stick thin. Squeezing in my stomach much, much greater today. Because I need to be able to work, and look after my children, I can't push things. In an ideal world I would be in a space where I can experiment fully. Have to see what happens.

Sick of addiction

It's been so long since I've updated this blog. Partly it's because nothing much has changed. Well, actually, that's not quite true. I've become much more even in my thinking with regards to food, and think much less critically about eating habits in general, whether mine or other people's. Personally, I'm more interested in spiritual expansion, non-judgment, and be that more close to the subtle spiritual reality of existence.

And yet... I am so absolutely bored of my food addictions... I mean, really sick of it. I can't stress this enough. And yet, I go on. I'm not overweight, in fact, slightly under according to modern measurements. Often I get a sicky feeling after eating and like I'm closing up  inside or something, I stick to fruits in the evenings and have such a deep feeling of rightness whenever I stick to pure foods (well, as pure as possible as no food is pure). But the addiction goes on, for coffee and bread, even though I feel yucky when having these things.

I thought I'd have got tired by now of putting rubbish into my body.

Soon. Soon I hope. Soon!