Wednesday, 17 December 2014

In my last post I said I was going to have a chocolate croissant at the weekend and a coffee- well that did happen, but only two weeks later. It was ok. Not sure I really enjoyed it that much. The coffee registered positively in my brain, but then there was the come down later.... so...

It's just been fruits and nuts for me all this time, since last time. My weight still hovers just a little under ten stone. I'm preparing for a fruit Christmas. (Salad has been out, don't feel like it, for a long time now.) That's going to be interesting, with relatives etc. Funny, but I really don't care about it. Perhaps because I feel certain about my course of action. Also, I've said to myself and my wife, that I can revert to cooked anytime, but I think we both know, that's not going to happen any time soon...

The other thing is the weather. It's cold. It's damp. But I'm still on fruits. Something's happened to me, and what has happened to me, is not something I can easily explain. I should be cramming the bread in, drinking gallons of coffee, but that's not happening. I am drinking warm teas though, usually herbal.

Actually, I feel strangely isolated in myself at the moment, with other moments of clear perception.

The one thing - or two things, or even three! - I have to  face are
1)my job
2)computer time

1)I need to quit it. I don't really fit in the IT company. I don't what the f**k I'm doing there really!! Not a clue.
2)I've been spending more and more time on the computer recently, it's like a disease/addiction. I have to quit this constant checking of, just rubbish really. I don't like it when I see people buried in their tablets/ipads/phones/laptops... so why have I been doing this more and more??
3)I have to go to bed earlier.

I don't know how I'm going to quit my job. I'd love just to walk out, without even giving notice, so I don't have to face the people there anymore. Giving notice is the worst kind of imprisonment, in some ways. But it's helpful, and it's nice to be helpful?

Other than that, it's more and more obvious to me.... that everything I do is just one form of distraction to another... it's like my ego is going through some kind of revolt against... just to be a body, animated by consciousness, with no agenda, with no desire to be anything or anybody, someone/body unknown...  with the hope that the overall shape/design of the planet improves... I can't really see anything else worthwhile wishing for really... there's nothing else to do than keep working toward that...

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