It's strange, the day after my last update, this massive urge to refine once more took hold of me. I was expressing my unhappiness at being so addicted, and then suddenly something else took over. My notes for those days:
nothing to eat all day; juices (too much), some water - terrible headache and feeling of nausea, also felt weak and tired. Not sure if nausea is due to too much juice or lack of caffein :-).
1 Grapefruit in the morning. Felt good, strong, not hungry that much.
1 Grapefruit and 1 banana for breakfast, worried about going through my morning at the office on nothing, when quitting things and going to work are not a good match. Also had a banana at work. Being in front of computers and working hard quite difficult with diet change. Later in the day, massive amount of bananas in the house, and felt guilty at them all going ripe and uneaten – that old program of 'not wasting'. Had 9!! Started to feel really nauseous some time later, and in bed that night still nauseous.I mean, really nauseous.
Had 1 grapefruit this morning. Don't feel sick.
Have plenty of energy. Doing decorating today in the house.
Half a pear for lunch. Teas and water throughout the day. Plenty of energy, only feel slightly hungry. A couple of times had that strange pinched feeling, but this thing of breathing deep into my abdomen takes over. Also, been feeling spiritual forces at work. This feeling from them saying 'You are with us now'. Happy that my resistances to their presence and their offer has diminished so much.
Didn't sleep well. All of my energy keyed up. Had a lustful thought and it went through my body like wildfire. It takes just one thought. Slept quite badly. Loads of thoughts and impressions from years ago bothering me. Woke up with strong heat in my body, and felt weak, and slightly sweaty. I felt drawn somehow. Noticed weight has dropped since the 30th by just under half a pound. Had a piece of melon and a fruit smoothie for breakfast and that helped. Later, my stools felt really hot, strange. I didn't want to eat anything, but I had to do dad things with the children, and there's no way I'm going to get behind the wheel of a car, feeling like I can't operate! :-)) After more painting work, felt somewhat better. Later in the day, having worked all day, realised that I was fine, not that tired, painting away. A few cups of herbal tea her and there. Weight the same as last night. Could this finally be the beginning of things? The hardest thing will be my wife and the family, if it is. It's lonely for her when I'm not partaking in anything – and yet, this urge is so absolutely strong to follow this path. It's as I was as a child, inspired by higher things, before all the murk and lies got hold of me. Have to wait and see I suppose. I'm very surprised I've gone through a whole day of decorating on a piece of melon and glass of smoothie.
Lost more weight since yesterday, to just under 10 and a ½ stone. So this morning had a large smoothie consisting of two bananas, 3 strawberries, a slice of melon and two small oranges, and then ate another banana a little later. I hope to put some weight on again. I really don't want to lose weight. 6'2” and 10.5 stone is the limit for me, really. I don't mind working with feelings of discomfort in my torso, but I really don't want to become stick thin. Squeezing in my stomach much, much greater today. Because I need to be able to work, and look after my children, I can't push things. In an ideal world I would be in a space where I can experiment fully. Have to see what happens.