From clarity to crash - again, again, again...

I've done it again. I was feeling very clear in mind and body, from fruits only and minimum coffee... and then crashed. This lead to coffee without restraint, bread without restraint, nearly like a binge, again!! and yet, the morning started so clearly... What is going on I wonder? I don't judge it as a 'bad' thing, because in some ways I've enjoyed it, and yet.... I suppose I don't like being so in control by something. I'm a little in two worlds at the moment. Sometimes I think a full on abstention from food would be best, like I've done before.

Another thing, is that I'm nearly becoming bored of fruits - but not quite! I'm definitely bored of salad things. So though I'm a lot more fruit orientated in my diet, I'm also falling back with greater force on addictive things like bread and coffee. Clarity v. Drugs. There's this duality going on at the moment. The more I refine, the more I fall back and binge. Strange.

I'm not sure what the answer is. Determination? I don't think so. All I can do is continue and be happy with what I do. I think I heard somewhere (was it Jericho Sunfire?) saying that at the end of the day, it had nothing to do with being determined to do it, to go food free (even though the intro to one of his vids says so, though that is someone else's opinion); it's as impossible to go for that, without spiritual collaboration, as horses learning to fly.

How can one want something like that, to be food free and all it means? Something that is destined to die, only sees limitations in everything and so any decision can only be informed by that limited possibility...

I continue with this strange journey and see what happens.