where I am now

I think the current moment is characterized by a feeling, of being really supported somehow... it's like a slow, slow process, where each impression I have over food, the automatic response to it, is slowly being unknotted... And then, each time it's my choice as to whether I become a robot again, or not... and that too, is being worked on...

still where I was last time I wrote, whenever that was, I think... mostly fruit and salads, with bits of toast here and there..and coffee

actually, finding it harder and harder to find bread to toast that I really like... I'm like an addict who can't get a hit out of the usual drug... my favourite and pointless toast is white highly processed and over salted bread... it often tastes really weird to me, but I still go for it, optimistically at least, like I can extract some kind of sensation out of it!! and yet, it tastes completely strange to me... but it's a thing in life worth experimenting with, for a while still...

I could do another month without bread, like I did some time back, but I feel like i'm biding my time, waiting for this energy I feel, to increase and increase, until I have no choice at all...  sometimes, I think, I have to make a stand with it.. I guess it's a little of both really..

I've found that making a 'big conscious decision' about not having a certain thing, makes things work the wrong way, which is why I'm gentle, gentle, gentle with it all. If I look back over the last few years, I can see a slow weaning off process, where I'm freer in different situations to think, I don't need or want to eat this thing..

 I really feel that I'm becoming more aware, really, while still having these things. Perhaps, I'll just naturally reach a point where I say 'that's it - thanks, but no thanks -  it was fun while the party lasted!' and move on, as there are moments where I feel more and more incorporated into this strange but real feeling of a higher reality

In my heart, I feel like I have stronger desire than ever to move forward, but I don't really know how or where, so again, all I can do is go slow, very slow....

if anyone still reads this, I hope this was interesting to you, we are all making a difference to this earth by each removing barriers in our minds, slowly helping the whole by helping ourselves become freer...

God bless!

Feeling strong, encouraged

Being a home dad presents its challenges, especially for someone who has some kind of spiritual calling.. Day in and day out, I  can get hit by situations and emotions that trigger emotional responses in me. How to remain calm when the children are bickering? That's just one example of a great many situations, where I have to inject energy to help or divert situations and I don't always succeed!!

Fitness wise, things are progressing well. From someone who could hardly do 12 press-ups, I can now do 45 and occasionally 50. Also, the running I love so much, is going well. My legs can eat up 7 miles with extreme hills, with little trouble. I can run more, 10 the other day, but lately 7 miles have felt fluid and strong. All this work has been getting more and more to the root of my left/right imbalance, which has been digging into a more spiritual reality, as a process. At the moment I'm ensuring that I'm getting lots of fruits, for carbohydrates, especially bananas etc.

I feel like I'm on a journey of two roads. On the one hand, I love running and would love to join groups of ultramarathoners who spend their days in the mountains, just running and enjoying this strange and amazing creation we're in and part of. Then on the other hand, I feel really strongly that physical food is not necessary, really. However, I'm not sure it's so wise to cut out food when putting the physical body through extreme athleticism... :-))

The other evening, as I was just sitting down, it felt to me really strongly, again, that eating physical food can be optional. And also, that the way forward is to move beyond food. Individually, for the world...

I still keep to fruits mostly, and raw vegetables from the garden (broadbeans, peas, salad leaves) but don't freak out against myself if I divert to a coffee or a rubbishy piece of bread. I say rubbishy, because wheat really is extraordinarily addictive and there's no nutritional value in it at all - so even though I went a month without bread, I'm having it occasionally again, but it's always disappointing! So, I don't know why I'm bothering. I'm sure it will pass again. An interesting interview on CBS with a cardiologist pointing out how modern wheat is a perfect and addictive poison: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-505269_162-57505149/modern-wheat-a-perfect-chronic-poison-doctor-says/

I'm feeling this calling so strongly to refine, spiritually speaking. Tomorrow I'll do a days fast, just water and juices. I won't go running though.

Peace & Love 1 and All  :D 

...and the reason is?

Since last post, I haven't had any bread for over a month now. Just raw veggies (lunch) and fruits (morning, evening, any time of day). I've drifted back onto coffee, even though I'd totally lost the taste for it. I'm not mad on it now, but still have one cup a day at the moment.

At the moment I'm really questioning my motivations for being a 99% fruity/raw guy.  I'm happy that I've kicked my bread habit, really happy about that. For me, a whole month without bread does mean long term change. Also, I certainly feel better eating this way. On the other hand, I think that really I'm wishing that it wasn't like this, for social reasons, and home-life reasons.

Running again, ever more fruits

This slow process of change just keeps going, but I feel like I'm a more active participant in it somehow now.  I'm still 90% a raw foodie with that being mostly fruits. That 10% is still bread sometimes. I have no idea why I'm still eating that stuff. It makes no sense.  I'm loving smoothies at the moment.  My weight at the moment is just under 11 stone, which is up from the 10 stone I was trailing for so long and not enjoying. This is great!

I've started running again, something I dropped for a while. Problem is, I enjoy it too much. I'm having to do some yoga to help balance out my left/right at the hip level, which actually has always caused me a problem, with an acheing ankle and stiff leg. It's one of those ironies of life: when people have seen me run, it's always been with praise, saying I have a very relaxed way of running, with my long legs, but little do they know the real strains going on underneath. I got a rotated pelvis early on in life due to a traumatic event, and my muscles have adapted around this imbalance. This is not good for sustaining a good running posture. It seems to be part of the process now, to really address this imbalance and its cause. God help lol!

I remember last year, on a longer run, when despite my imbalance I'd reached a relax sense of ease, and it was really good, like something was running me rather than me running. Like nature and spirit was in me as I ran. I kind of hope to get back to that. This is why many runners run I think.

Other things I'm doing is really to shield myself from things like the news on TV. I check the headlines on the computer, but never watch the news. Makes a world of difference. Demons abound through TV and the Internet. But at least there's a level of control with the Internet.

I still find it a bit difficult sometimes my food habits with regards to other people. I'm just so lucky though that my wife has adapted to this pretty much. Of course the children just take it as it is. I serve them normal vegetarian food..

deeper integration

It's strange how the call to a deep change is so palpable, and real. I can feel the deeper forces working on this. But also, what a slow process it is.

I'd say since last time I posted on my blog, that my inner strength has somehow become greater. I don't really seek a high during the day or feel that many lows. If there are lows (and there aren't many!), I can deal with them more fluidly, quickly process them. This is really changing the way I might 'need' something to eat. I'm not denying myself anything though, and eat plenty of fruits and salads. Last time I posted I'd gone off coffee and bread, only to hit coffee big again. At Christmas I had one bug after another, and since then, coffee doesn't do it for me. I have had some, but not enjoyed. Since Christmas that makes about 3 months of negative feelings toward coffee, which is unprecedented. It's kind of shame, as I loved the coffee routine. But this calling I have... is about moving the focus to deeper things somehow.

Likewise with bread. I never found coffee as easy as bread to eliminate for a while, so my mind has tricked me a little here... it's been saying, bread is easy not to eat, in fact, since it's not  a problem, have some! lol. Typical addict mentality. Fortunately, bread doesn't instill the same addictive pattern (coffee is the 2nd most traded commodity in the world, after oil...)

Perhaps the main thing I need to express, is to get back at how I started this blog post, as it's here that things are really clear. The call to deeper light, deeper understanding, basking in feelings of love that are entirely overwhelming and thrilling... It's like a messenger on my shoulder or something, saying, we won't let you go, and little by little, we want you to take a step forward in deep transformation....  Unknotting every not, turning over every stone, ironing out every little kink... it has to be done. In fact, the call feels to me, like in a more general manner, is growing in strength. It sounds a little dramatic, but it nearly feels like the message is, do the work, because time is running out...

Peace & Love

update - byebye bread

It's been a while since I updated this blog, so here goes.

I've gone through my coffee and bread barrier. This really was going on a long time, and I got bored of it, the struggle of it. I still have the occasional coffee out with people, but not bread. I don't drink coffee anymore in a desperate way, or even daily, for a fix. In fact, last time I had a coffee, made me feel a bit sickly. So, in the gentle manner in which I've been approaching this food journey, I imagine that coffee will go 100% at some point.

I'm eating mostly fruits though some raw veggies as well and still eating nuts occasionally.

My weight just hasn't changed since last time. I was trying to put on weight by eating loads of the fattiest fruits possible (not very easy), but it really didn't work, apart from not feeling well on it. So I'm a tall slim guy, gotta get used it.

One thing that has really  helped with eliminating bready things and the occasional 'social' cooked meal, is expectations. People are used to me now. Big deal. I eat loads of fruits. Someone even laughed (in a nice way!), to say that I'll be on a Channel 5 program soon. I'm ok with it. I really don't miss cooked food at all, it feels really distorted.

I had weird headaches and so on when I really stopped this bread thing.

Somehow I'm more chilled out, and I'm feeling closer to the truth of things and my understanding of reality.

eating fruits doesn't solve anything

Now this is so weird. I'd been off bread and coffee, just fruits for quite a period of time. Then suddenly, I started eating bread and drinking coffee all over again and have since then being eating cooked food again, but the cooked stuff with only medium enjoyment. Everything is so salty and sugary it's incredible. And cooked food is creating such a deep need in me for more cooked food. For some reason though, it's bread again which is the thing that I eat with uncomfortable relish. I feel like such a robot and when I see myself eating, or other people, a part of me feels that it's so childish somehow, though it's hard to explain.

I think this has happened for several reasons. I was getting bored of fruits, and it wasn't solving the whole issue of this feeling of needing to eat. I don't think eating fruits solves anything on that level. Maybe it's better overall for the human body, but I don't feel it particularly improves or decreases spiritual connection. The human psyche can cope with the effects of cooked food. Humans don't necessarily live longer lives being fruitarian. People who eat fruits also die!

The only thing which would improve spiritual connection is to remove food altogether: fasting. Which I've found before.

Going to raw food or fruits is beneficial, but not the whole answer. The answer is prayer and fasting. The answer that has been true throughout the ages. But when am I going to commit to that again...