Life is like climbing a big mountain toward the Light

Hello, I haven't updated my blog for a long while.

For the sake of focusing my mind, I thought I would write some more - writing has always been found to be the best method in that regard :-))

It was December last year last time I wrote, a long time. This is pretty much how things have gone for me food wise since then.

I got through Christmas as a fruit/raw food person, but went back in a strange fashion soon after Christmas. I was with the family, in the financial district of London, and ended up eating a pizza (!!!?) there. This was strange and crazy for me. I felt cold (it was really cold), I felt strange by all the strange buildings, and the strange reality of London financial district.... The kids and my wife wanted a nice meal, and we ended up in a pizza place, which wasn't even grounded on the earth. It was a restaurant above the road, with cars underneath. So it was weird. I started to ingest pizza, above a road, surrounded by glass buildings and ancient Roman remains. It's hard to explain how disconnect from the earth these places are. I think part of my problem, is that with all the Christmas socializing, I just hadn't been eating my usual amounts of fruit, wasn't really prepared enough.

After that pizza, which re-acclimatized my body to this kind of 'food' (it's definitely not food), and feeling at a low ebb, I ate more cooked food. I still get a soar throat nearly straight away after eating (too much) cooked food, which is weird.

I've been having coffee and toast again, but it's not doing me much good. Also, eating other cooked stuff, but try and keep that down as much as possible. Weirdly, I find a whole cooked meal, with cooked vegetables etc, much worse than eating sometimes more 'unhealthy', like a piece of toast with vegetable grease.

I can't explain this to myself. Why is it, that cooked vegetables, or whole cooked meals, feels like eating a load of sludge and dirt, but chewing on a crunchy piece of toast doesn't? Perhaps cooked dishes are really complex in their make-up, with different levels of things all mixed together.

I don't have a plan to go all raw food again. Really I'm more interested in doing a fast again soon.

My weight has changed very little over all this time, a little above 10 stone.

In my last post I said I was going to have a chocolate croissant at the weekend and a coffee- well that did happen, but only two weeks later. It was ok. Not sure I really enjoyed it that much. The coffee registered positively in my brain, but then there was the come down later.... so...

It's just been fruits and nuts for me all this time, since last time. My weight still hovers just a little under ten stone. I'm preparing for a fruit Christmas. (Salad has been out, don't feel like it, for a long time now.) That's going to be interesting, with relatives etc. Funny, but I really don't care about it. Perhaps because I feel certain about my course of action. Also, I've said to myself and my wife, that I can revert to cooked anytime, but I think we both know, that's not going to happen any time soon...

The other thing is the weather. It's cold. It's damp. But I'm still on fruits. Something's happened to me, and what has happened to me, is not something I can easily explain. I should be cramming the bread in, drinking gallons of coffee, but that's not happening. I am drinking warm teas though, usually herbal.

Actually, I feel strangely isolated in myself at the moment, with other moments of clear perception.

The one thing - or two things, or even three! - I have to  face are
1)my job
2)computer time
3)bedtime

1)I need to quit it. I don't really fit in the IT company. I don't what the f**k I'm doing there really!! Not a clue.
2)I've been spending more and more time on the computer recently, it's like a disease/addiction. I have to quit this constant checking of, just rubbish really. I don't like it when I see people buried in their tablets/ipads/phones/laptops... so why have I been doing this more and more??
3)I have to go to bed earlier.

I don't know how I'm going to quit my job. I'd love just to walk out, without even giving notice, so I don't have to face the people there anymore. Giving notice is the worst kind of imprisonment, in some ways. But it's helpful, and it's nice to be helpful?

Other than that, it's more and more obvious to me.... that everything I do is just one form of distraction to another... it's like my ego is going through some kind of revolt against... just to be a body, animated by consciousness, with no agenda, with no desire to be anything or anybody, someone/body unknown...  with the hope that the overall shape/design of the planet improves... I can't really see anything else worthwhile wishing for really... there's nothing else to do than keep working toward that...

Finally some peace....

I just wanted update my blog a little.

My path has always been two steps forward and one step back. If I look  back, I see I've come a long way at not being a total addict.

Sometimes I was eating a lot of raw food, then going back onto the bread, or coffee big time and so on.

Something has changed now though. It's been months since I've had bread. Coffee, too, I'm switching off without any sense of loss at all. I feel so much freer. I get through work without coffee! Now that is strange.

As I go forward, I'm happy to join in very occasionally. For example, next Saturday morning I'll have coffee and a vegan pain-au-chocolat. The rest of the week, just fruits and some carrot and almonds.

What I foresee, is that this too will slowly start to feel strange (or maybe not!), but for now I'm happy with it. I feel at peace, because I don't crave some of the things I used to...

No rules! Just going with the flow.

I know this blog had the word 'breatharianism' in it, but really, I don't know about that at all. That's just an idea, and I have no idea what it means. What does anything mean? :-))

The Test....

It's been a while since I've updated my blog.

The main thing really, is how I feel that every inch of my life is under inspection... No dark patch or emotion can be left... and also, my reactions to all things are being tested. Much inspiration from Buddhism and very brief contact I had with Buddhist monks. It is possible to go beyond desire and develop a deeply stable mind. Letting go, and in the process, seeing and receiving more, with always the desire to uplift the world in some way.

I wrote that wheat was a long struggle for me, but since last update, I've had no attraction to bread (June I think it was). I used to hit the bread like an addict (because I was an addict). I still drink coffee :-)) This is under review for me now too.

My food intake is really mostly fruits and carrots and celery, and almonds. I haven't felt better. If I feel like 'joining in', as it were, on a Saturday morning, I have a chocolate croissant, but my body reacts to that - not dramatically, but my body doesn't want this. I kind of enjoy that Saturday thing, but on the other hand, it also feels like eating slime or something... (I don't say that to anyone :-)) )

I feel like my body wants to reject  what I'm mostly eating - all that sweet fruit, and fibrous raw vegetables. It's weird, or perhaps normal, but I have bowl movements four or five times a day. I read that was healthy somewhere, I don't know. I just know that my body is eliminating stuff as quickly as possible, to get it out... The opposite, bowls stuck with unprocessed matter, is clearly a health risk. It seems to me, health isn't so much about what one eats, but more about what one doesn't.

Here's a thing I've learned for myself. Eliminating food stuffs isn't really to gain anything for this life, like amazing health or longevity (after all, we all die :-)) ). It's that everything we put into ourselves has a kind of resonance, a link to the whole process surrounding the food product. I feel freer without putting into myself all those energies...

I mentioned that I'm under inspection by something greater than me, and that continues to be true. It really is like a test. Often, I don't welcome it at all, and just wish I could be 'normal' and eat normally, But on the other hand, stagnation is not an option...

Weight still the same, 10 stone. Stopped running (my joints troubled by it). Keeping fit though, push ups etc.

Wheat is no longer my friend

Since last entry I've been off wheat again. During last entry, I ate a lot of wheat stuffs, and even a small cooked breakfast (it was meant to be a Father's day treat, eh). The next day, I had to go to the loo 5 times. My body couldn't get rid of all that stuff quick enough.

And so, I've finally taken a position against wheat. I don't like taking positions against anything really, but wheat has driven me to it. My struggle has always been bread, while eating everything else raw. I've tended to stay away from taking a position, because it's so easy to take a view, from a mental/intellectual standpoint, which has nothing to do with what is actually right for oneself - and sometimes seeing which one is which, can be tricky. People everywhere are driven by ideals that don't necessarily match what is right for them. But in my case, after many months (even a couple of years?) of going to and fro over bread, I've decided to take a line. My line is that wheat is not good for the human body. Wheat is addictive and weakens the body. I've concluded this from the emotional energy associated with wheat, and how the gluten acts like glue in the body. But it goes further than that, gluten free bread is not the answer either. There's something about wheat - gluten free or not - which is completely addictive. I think taking a position against wheat is a game changer.

So wheat is no longer my friend - the kind of friend who was fun, but essentially bad company to be in :-)) (like ex girlfriends I guess, in some cases!)

That leaves me with only coffee as a cooked substance I use.

Wheat is strange, everything revolves around wheat, practically every eating social activity is wheat related.

What I'm going through reminds me of something I heard Genesis Sunfire say once. Something along the lines of, while it's ok to just follow ones own process and the ups and downs and not forcing anything, sometimes one has to take a position against certain things (food related, that is), employing an act of will etc.

Weight wise still just over 10 stone, nothing much has changed. Fitness is good, go swimming sometimes, do a few weights also, am slim but quite well toned I suppose (probably still thin looking to many people). Before I couldn't get used to be just over 10 stone (thought it was too light for someone 6"2'), but I feel great on it really, so I have to stop worrying about that completely. Actually, I have very long runner's legs, so that's where my height comes from. Without my legs, I'd be a shorty :-)

 Looks like my body likes being this way.

Next step in the journey - no wheat from now on! Feels quite strange somehow.

After my month of no cooked, gone back to bread things, but without much joy in it. Some  very weird things going on though... This change backwards has been accompanied with this powerful feeling (like a psychic feeling) of being helped by others who are further on this path than I am. And what has come to light, is that what is really holding me back, is fear - fear of going even further into the unknown, and a lack of commitment to these things.

Despite all the resources out there on this thing that is happening to so many people, i.e. living without physical food... it doesn't help that much, in the sense that one's own personal path and obstacles are not made any easier by knowing that others have gone through similar things. I feel very much like, that I'm stumbling forward completely into the unknown.

After that month without bread, I had two or three days of small amounts of cooked stuff,then nothing cooked for a week (I was thinking this pattern was at last different) but then the bread bug kicked in, - that, and more coffee too (apart from that small cup once a week). These things all seem to be connected somehow coffee-cookedfood-bread. It's rather like, I get the taste for these harder things, and it kicks off the whole cycle again.

I know the only way to kick the habit, is to kick it for good. It's interesting though that twice now I've dumped the bread for a month (as well as cooked food obviously, which I never have much of anyway apart from bread when I'm on it), but twice now when I've reached the end of the month, and something in me is still telling me to go for that drug stuff again.