Finally some peace....

I just wanted update my blog a little.

My path has always been two steps forward and one step back. If I look  back, I see I've come a long way at not being a total addict.

Sometimes I was eating a lot of raw food, then going back onto the bread, or coffee big time and so on.

Something has changed now though. It's been months since I've had bread. Coffee, too, I'm switching off without any sense of loss at all. I feel so much freer. I get through work without coffee! Now that is strange.

As I go forward, I'm happy to join in very occasionally. For example, next Saturday morning I'll have coffee and a vegan pain-au-chocolat. The rest of the week, just fruits and some carrot and almonds.

What I foresee, is that this too will slowly start to feel strange (or maybe not!), but for now I'm happy with it. I feel at peace, because I don't crave some of the things I used to...

No rules! Just going with the flow.

I know this blog had the word 'breatharianism' in it, but really, I don't know about that at all. That's just an idea, and I have no idea what it means. What does anything mean? :-))

The Test....

It's been a while since I've updated my blog.

The main thing really, is how I feel that every inch of my life is under inspection... No dark patch or emotion can be left... and also, my reactions to all things are being tested. Much inspiration from Buddhism and very brief contact I had with Buddhist monks. It is possible to go beyond desire and develop a deeply stable mind. Letting go, and in the process, seeing and receiving more, with always the desire to uplift the world in some way.

I wrote that wheat was a long struggle for me, but since last update, I've had no attraction to bread (June I think it was). I used to hit the bread like an addict (because I was an addict). I still drink coffee :-)) This is under review for me now too.

My food intake is really mostly fruits and carrots and celery, and almonds. I haven't felt better. If I feel like 'joining in', as it were, on a Saturday morning, I have a chocolate croissant, but my body reacts to that - not dramatically, but my body doesn't want this. I kind of enjoy that Saturday thing, but on the other hand, it also feels like eating slime or something... (I don't say that to anyone :-)) )

I feel like my body wants to reject  what I'm mostly eating - all that sweet fruit, and fibrous raw vegetables. It's weird, or perhaps normal, but I have bowl movements four or five times a day. I read that was healthy somewhere, I don't know. I just know that my body is eliminating stuff as quickly as possible, to get it out... The opposite, bowls stuck with unprocessed matter, is clearly a health risk. It seems to me, health isn't so much about what one eats, but more about what one doesn't.

Here's a thing I've learned for myself. Eliminating food stuffs isn't really to gain anything for this life, like amazing health or longevity (after all, we all die :-)) ). It's that everything we put into ourselves has a kind of resonance, a link to the whole process surrounding the food product. I feel freer without putting into myself all those energies...

I mentioned that I'm under inspection by something greater than me, and that continues to be true. It really is like a test. Often, I don't welcome it at all, and just wish I could be 'normal' and eat normally, But on the other hand, stagnation is not an option...

Weight still the same, 10 stone. Stopped running (my joints troubled by it). Keeping fit though, push ups etc.

Wheat is no longer my friend

Since last entry I've been off wheat again. During last entry, I ate a lot of wheat stuffs, and even a small cooked breakfast (it was meant to be a Father's day treat, eh). The next day, I had to go to the loo 5 times. My body couldn't get rid of all that stuff quick enough.

And so, I've finally taken a position against wheat. I don't like taking positions against anything really, but wheat has driven me to it. My struggle has always been bread, while eating everything else raw. I've tended to stay away from taking a position, because it's so easy to take a view, from a mental/intellectual standpoint, which has nothing to do with what is actually right for oneself - and sometimes seeing which one is which, can be tricky. People everywhere are driven by ideals that don't necessarily match what is right for them. But in my case, after many months (even a couple of years?) of going to and fro over bread, I've decided to take a line. My line is that wheat is not good for the human body. Wheat is addictive and weakens the body. I've concluded this from the emotional energy associated with wheat, and how the gluten acts like glue in the body. But it goes further than that, gluten free bread is not the answer either. There's something about wheat - gluten free or not - which is completely addictive. I think taking a position against wheat is a game changer.

So wheat is no longer my friend - the kind of friend who was fun, but essentially bad company to be in :-)) (like ex girlfriends I guess, in some cases!)

That leaves me with only coffee as a cooked substance I use.

Wheat is strange, everything revolves around wheat, practically every eating social activity is wheat related.

What I'm going through reminds me of something I heard Genesis Sunfire say once. Something along the lines of, while it's ok to just follow ones own process and the ups and downs and not forcing anything, sometimes one has to take a position against certain things (food related, that is), employing an act of will etc.

Weight wise still just over 10 stone, nothing much has changed. Fitness is good, go swimming sometimes, do a few weights also, am slim but quite well toned I suppose (probably still thin looking to many people). Before I couldn't get used to be just over 10 stone (thought it was too light for someone 6"2'), but I feel great on it really, so I have to stop worrying about that completely. Actually, I have very long runner's legs, so that's where my height comes from. Without my legs, I'd be a shorty :-)

 Looks like my body likes being this way.

Next step in the journey - no wheat from now on! Feels quite strange somehow.

After my month of no cooked, gone back to bread things, but without much joy in it. Some  very weird things going on though... This change backwards has been accompanied with this powerful feeling (like a psychic feeling) of being helped by others who are further on this path than I am. And what has come to light, is that what is really holding me back, is fear - fear of going even further into the unknown, and a lack of commitment to these things.

Despite all the resources out there on this thing that is happening to so many people, i.e. living without physical food... it doesn't help that much, in the sense that one's own personal path and obstacles are not made any easier by knowing that others have gone through similar things. I feel very much like, that I'm stumbling forward completely into the unknown.

After that month without bread, I had two or three days of small amounts of cooked stuff,then nothing cooked for a week (I was thinking this pattern was at last different) but then the bread bug kicked in, - that, and more coffee too (apart from that small cup once a week). These things all seem to be connected somehow coffee-cookedfood-bread. It's rather like, I get the taste for these harder things, and it kicks off the whole cycle again.

I know the only way to kick the habit, is to kick it for good. It's interesting though that twice now I've dumped the bread for a month (as well as cooked food obviously, which I never have much of anyway apart from bread when I'm on it), but twice now when I've reached the end of the month, and something in me is still telling me to go for that drug stuff again.

So that's how it's gone. After those butter beans in a salad, I've had some stuff I thought I'd never have again - croissant type things, and more coffee than over last month (where was having one cup a week). On the other hand, I don't feel like I've completely lost my balance. Just last night, strong feelings of light. Today in the office was tough, sitting at a computer all day, getting achey etc. And this going back to stuff I haven't had for a month (crappy wheat), all started because I had a weird time at my folks, still processing it. Still don't feel like I'm going to start eating loads of bread though. Had some nuts too, which I haven't had for a month. Last time, after my month of abstience from things I've been very addicted to, I started on them for a long time after again. This time, I want to reign things in quicker, I'll give it two or three days.

Introduced a little more coffee again while away at my folk's. Tiny cups of coffee. Came back after a few days away, and felt really hungry. I always feel hungry when I came back from their house. Even though I only ate fruit and salad while they had all their usual stuff - and their daughters love to bake, continuously, bread and cakes - when I got home, had a tin of broad beans with some salad stuff. Now I feel a bit yuky. Why do I always feel hungry when I come back from their house, weird. Think it's an emotional thing, somehow - seeing my mother, sister etc. Could have been worse. Could have binged on bread. Whole month now without bread - without anything cooked or processed at all - apart from the broad beans today. Nothing like old family connections to stir things up. Weight just above 10 stone, last time I looked. 

I'm feeling so sad at the moment at the insane destruction of the animal kingdom by humans. Went past three loaded cattle trucks on the road at different times, sheep in one, cows in two others; all crammed in, looking stressed, piss and shit coming off the trucks, headed for the abattoirs. What a lack of compassion. What insanity. All for the sake of taste pleasure. Humans seriously need to wake up.