Life goes on - energy states

I was quite happy not eating bread for a while. All raw food, not even any bread anymore. Still coffee though.

Then something flipped in my mind, and I've gone back to cooked food like never before in the last year. And bread. It's very hard with the children, being in a family life. Many of the practices I could be doing, I don't have the energy for, with the children.

But there again, I think to myself, what is the real value that a human contributes in his or her life? It always comes down to kindness to others.

In terms of diet, I think that removing coffee is of major importance.  Stabilising the mind free of coffee is really the key, from which true changes can flow.

That'll be the next practice for me, to see how this alters my approach to food.

I've been really enjoying cultivating a non-judgement view toward what I eat or don't eat. I feel freer somehow.

Negative emotions creating over-thinness?

This isn't getting better, it's getting worse! I'm only slightly complaining, more observing really :-)It's just that everything is tasting more and more fake somehow. I've had this thing where I want to be fatter, cause I'm 6'2" and 10 stone - I've been this weight for a very long time - so have been trying to eat more normally. It's not  working. My fitness and strength is great on this weight, so perhaps I shouldn't worry. I don't look skeletal, but I do look like someone without one ounce of fat on me. My running strength and stride length really improved. I suppose some of these long distance runners look just like this, which they do.

I'm so bored of foods, even fruits a lot of the time. I wonder what this all means? I get excited over the idea of eating something I haven't for a while, but it's always a let down.

Added is the fact that my weight just doesn't vary much, no matter what I eat. In fact, I seem to gain weight when I'm mostly fruits, all the water I guess. I actually think that it's negative emotions also that can lead to over-thinness - I've noticed that my weight drops a little when I'm in a funk and eating normal foods, but more than can be accounted for by less fruits. This is strange. The most extreme manifestation of this I suppose are anorexics - negative emotions holding the body in a self-depleting cycle. This however is different, I'm mostly very positive and enjoy life and the basis of my life, has always been an understanding of the deeper things of creation. We are beings of light! etc

So my weight. I had this idea that it might be possible to fatten up on cooked foods and so on, and with these new changes in me, I could then eat non-cooked and keep the weight on, as I wouldn't be shedding so many negative emotions. I wonder if anyone has had any experience of this?

Here I go again... light

It's funny, every time I write something or conclude something, I'm shown that that isn't it.  I have to say, yesterday was difficult, I could feel this light pouring onto me... I've been trying again to live normally, feel normal, but all of this doesn't work; it's like a resistance to the light. Trying to eat normal stuff again, but it really made me feel weird. Eating that amount of cooked food was a strange experience. I don't get pain any more, but it affects my mind somehow, and I really do begin to wonder, how human beings can even operate in a sane manner, while ingesting so many unsuitable things. So many repressed aspects of self, to make it possible, to be 'normal' while eating the drugs!

As to the pain I used to have coming off certain foods: I find in interesting that  I used to get the same pain re-eating these things, but now I don't! I can eat these things again and feel nothing weird, instead, it's my mind or something that gets affected. I like the idea of being able to eat or not eat anything, but it's not necessarily part of whatever journey I'm on here.

I read back on my blog, and I see this inching process forward.

Back on the fruits again.

Just a bit of fun!

It's been ages since I've updated my blog. Some things have changed, others not. Prefer sticking to fruits, but still eating other stuff, not being rigid over it. Doing quite a lot of running. I balance out my search while being a house dad and wanting to present a balanced reality to my children :-))

The main thing that occurs to me these days, is that I know absolutely nothing about anything, really. Apart from being nice to each another and animals, and the world we live in etc, there's nothing much else that matters. It's really simple. Just be happy with what's around!

Sometimes I think, that people are attracted to alternative food lifestyle in the hope that they'll live forever, or something. But everything dies. We live in an entropic universe. Everything is slowly disintegrating... :-)) Everything is actually designed  to die. Of course, there are some rare beings who transcend the psycho-physical limitations of earth existence, but their whole mindset won't be one of being concerned over dietary things!! They might live in the Hymalayas, probably do. 

So much striving is ego based. I often think of Gautama the Buddha and his own search through fasting, that lead him to the conclusion that just eating healthily was the key - whatever aided meditation and the spiritual search. I say this, because so much food life-style culture is weirdly obsessive and actually based on fear.On the other hand, going through periods of fasting is definitely a good thing.

I heard a story once, of a strange Saddhu in India, who ate anything at all, in huge quantities. He could consume anything in great quantities, to no ill effect. He could even drink poisons. It was all part of his own ecstatic reality.  He was like the opposite to being breatharian!

I haven't concluded much for myself still. Eating fruits is good, eating uncooked is better, but what really matters is the spiritual connection. Nothing else matters apart from that. All the rest is just a bit of fun, as far as I can tell. 

4 cooked meals, 4 sore throats, 4 headaches

Recently been stepping back a little and not thinking of my change of food. So have had 4 cooked meals, but my reaction to them has been curious: I've been getting headaches and a sore throat, each time after each meal, eating these over a period of days  ('healthy' cooked food: vegetables and grains mostly). Beforehand, I'd get a sort of pain in my chest after cooked food. I don't get that now anymore, but these other symptoms instead. I'm not sure what it all means. I can eat a piece of bread without a problem, but I suppose that's very different to a whole cooked meal.

I've been working on just following my own gut instinct over food things, without thinking of anything anyone has said about the subject. I've been happy eating mostly raw with some coffee and bread, as fun really, so branched out to proper cooked meals but hasn't worked for me.

This is kind of strange. I wouldn't say that I'm at all greatly detoxed, as I'm still eating again some stuff which is quite processed e.g. coffee, bread and occasionally again some oats, hummus. So why this reaction to a cooked meal? Isn't a piece of bread a cooked thing but eaten cold? Maybe it's to do with quantity. That the body can deal with everything in small quantities.

That doesn't answer the question though as to why my body is reacting to a full cooked meal with headaches etc, when it didn't before,

Have to ponder on this some more.

Some updates and how we mistreat nature

About time I updated this blog. Physical training has been going really well, running and so on, getting really fit. Been having coffee again, but not in huge quantities. However, have been having bread - specifically white baguette. I don't really know why. I'm just going with it because I enjoy it.

Two explanations come to mind. First of all, this training has been quite intense, and my body naturally seems to want this stuff - or at least, my emotions do :-). And that's the other point. This training is stirring things up and in a weird way, baked bread seems to be the pinnacle of cooked stuff for me and a quick self-medication fix. I had a cooked meal the other night and it just felt all flat and the same, muddy somehow, but white crusty bread doesn't. So I suppose, if I'm going to have cooked stuff, might as well go for the stuff that still gives me  taste sensation - basically, burned and crusty things. Otherwise, I still have fruits etc as main food.

These emotions I've been having are pretty intense, like sadness or something. Not just mine, but like nature is unhappy. I feel this weight of change coming to humanity. I can feel it in the wind and in the trees. At the moment we experiment on other living creatures that we place in cages and insert needles into, and also gather creatures in huge pens then send them to the butchers; a lot of religions say that God gave creatures for us to do what we want with, that's convenient isn't it, especially as humans wrote all these texts. It feels wrong the way we torture animals when we could be their keepers. They can't help their natures, just like children. A lot of false reasoning looks at animals and says 'look, they kill each other for food' and we apply it to ourselves. Why compare ourselves to animals in that way, makes no sense. There's such an intense feeling of imbalance at the moment, I can't help feel that we're heading toward extremely major change now - what we eat is a huge part of that - and that it's not particularly good news for humanity.

I try not to over analyse anything these days, or identify with any particular ideas. I just go with whatever a little more. I like to just be who I am, free of outside influences. I still feel an immense pull toward spirit, but whether that boat will sail with a French baguette and coffee on board, or not, I just don't know :-)

From clarity to crash - again, again, again...

I've done it again. I was feeling very clear in mind and body, from fruits only and minimum coffee... and then crashed. This lead to coffee without restraint, bread without restraint, nearly like a binge, again!! and yet, the morning started so clearly... What is going on I wonder? I don't judge it as a 'bad' thing, because in some ways I've enjoyed it, and yet.... I suppose I don't like being so in control by something. I'm a little in two worlds at the moment. Sometimes I think a full on abstention from food would be best, like I've done before.

Another thing, is that I'm nearly becoming bored of fruits - but not quite! I'm definitely bored of salad things. So though I'm a lot more fruit orientated in my diet, I'm also falling back with greater force on addictive things like bread and coffee. Clarity v. Drugs. There's this duality going on at the moment. The more I refine, the more I fall back and binge. Strange.

I'm not sure what the answer is. Determination? I don't think so. All I can do is continue and be happy with what I do. I think I heard somewhere (was it Jericho Sunfire?) saying that at the end of the day, it had nothing to do with being determined to do it, to go food free (even though the intro to one of his vids says so, though that is someone else's opinion); it's as impossible to go for that, without spiritual collaboration, as horses learning to fly.

How can one want something like that, to be food free and all it means? Something that is destined to die, only sees limitations in everything and so any decision can only be informed by that limited possibility...

I continue with this strange journey and see what happens.