I thought it was time to update my blog, to chart my progress. I've discovered that maintaining an account can be a useful and an interesting thing. Even if... the intellect is ultimately a rather futile tool when grasping the deeper wonders of our existence. I - or we - think one thing, believing a certain thing to be true or at least a plausible explanation for something, but in fact, it appears to me that intellectualisations of any kind, are only made-up structures that attempt to explain what is already there, or what has already happened. It appeals to the ego, really; some process that exists in time, and needs a map of some kind. But who knows why anything works, why anything exists at all; why humans appeared on earth, how it happened, and indeed, why humans evolved certain eating habits. It happened, and it happens....
Personally, apart from the above abstract, there's more personal stuff I'll detail, with regards to my change of diet. In some ways I've become even more orientated toward fruits, avoiding cooked food. And yet, foods which have been cooked in the past e.g. an oat biscuit, don't weigh as much on me as say, a freshly cooked bean stew. So I still go to some extent for pre-cooked oat based things; and yet, it's fresh fruits that really do it for me.
And yet... Often I feel like the things I'm eating, are equivalent to eating stones or metal. I use this analogy to describe how solid foods often feel to me - really extreme. Extreme inputing o substances... And yet, the hit I get from them, is amazing! When I observe myself eating, I can see that eating really is an imposition on the self, in some ways. Not a bad thing, but a sort of exaggeration of things, a thing learned from the ancestors. At this point in time, I see no real way out of it.
However, recently, I drank juices for breakfast and lunch, which suited me well, though I ate more later in the evening. I think what I need to do, is set aside a time for proper fasting. Not for the sake of 'not eating', but because, I experience the fact that when I'm empty of food, I feel things much more clearly. I'll do a day's fast soon, and see how I feel.
Friday, 19 November 2010
Sunday, 31 October 2010
A Curtain Of Light
Today I've been mostly fruit based again - and how much better I feel!
In my last post I mentioned an alleviating of fear, and I want to expand on that a little. At the moment, I feel like fear in all its forms and guises is being dislodged from within me; it feels like a very practical and even deliberate process. And with this refining of food, I've been re-experiencing things as I used to do as a child, before I became absorbed by all the confusing signals of this world. This happens to so many of us - we experience the wonderment of creation as a child, but somehow are unable to draw down this reality, until a little later in life, and create an expression of it in our environment - we became beset by fears and other constrictions. When I say wonderment, I don't mean so much as an imaginative approach to life, as a direct experience of the forces and glue that bind this world together - the quality of the experience is very different. Which brings me to my title for today's journal.
I've been feeling this implaccable wall or curtain of light, that comes down onto me. The experience is quite different to communications or sensations from the 'other' side, rather, it's a force that somehow goes deeper than that. In some ways it feels like Love, that is there regardless of who I am; and so, I'm both caught by this drastic sense of impersonality, and yet also by this sense of Divine reality. And I realise, that Love really is automatic, blesses evenly, regardless of whether someone is a murderer or a saint. Perhaps this 'fear of God' that crops up in religions, is an experience of this type. The only way that I can take, or stand firmly in the light of this force, is to work on myself and work up my inner balance. Like everyone else, the Being behind creation Loves me, but how much of it can I truly, really accept? Mysticism often refers to the levels of existence, and that higher forces and beings are too much to bear for souls who are lower down the steps/wheels of creation; perhaps this is something along those lines.
Another thing I experience, is that turning away from food isn't done because food is bad per se (er-humm.... obviously!!), but because being filled with the Spirit, for want of a better (and less religious!) description, is far more satisfying than the sensations of food. Perhaps an analogy could be: once someone has eaten great food from a great cook, they realise how unsatisfying the food they used to eat before was, from the not-so-great cook! Same thing, but in a deeper way...
In my last post I mentioned an alleviating of fear, and I want to expand on that a little. At the moment, I feel like fear in all its forms and guises is being dislodged from within me; it feels like a very practical and even deliberate process. And with this refining of food, I've been re-experiencing things as I used to do as a child, before I became absorbed by all the confusing signals of this world. This happens to so many of us - we experience the wonderment of creation as a child, but somehow are unable to draw down this reality, until a little later in life, and create an expression of it in our environment - we became beset by fears and other constrictions. When I say wonderment, I don't mean so much as an imaginative approach to life, as a direct experience of the forces and glue that bind this world together - the quality of the experience is very different. Which brings me to my title for today's journal.
I've been feeling this implaccable wall or curtain of light, that comes down onto me. The experience is quite different to communications or sensations from the 'other' side, rather, it's a force that somehow goes deeper than that. In some ways it feels like Love, that is there regardless of who I am; and so, I'm both caught by this drastic sense of impersonality, and yet also by this sense of Divine reality. And I realise, that Love really is automatic, blesses evenly, regardless of whether someone is a murderer or a saint. Perhaps this 'fear of God' that crops up in religions, is an experience of this type. The only way that I can take, or stand firmly in the light of this force, is to work on myself and work up my inner balance. Like everyone else, the Being behind creation Loves me, but how much of it can I truly, really accept? Mysticism often refers to the levels of existence, and that higher forces and beings are too much to bear for souls who are lower down the steps/wheels of creation; perhaps this is something along those lines.
Another thing I experience, is that turning away from food isn't done because food is bad per se (er-humm.... obviously!!), but because being filled with the Spirit, for want of a better (and less religious!) description, is far more satisfying than the sensations of food. Perhaps an analogy could be: once someone has eaten great food from a great cook, they realise how unsatisfying the food they used to eat before was, from the not-so-great cook! Same thing, but in a deeper way...
Friday, 29 October 2010
A few days of Cooked food
A few days on cooked food
There's so much I'm learning with regards to food. For the last three nights I had cooked food, and I can't say that I feel good on it. In the mornings I can feel kind of muddy - nothing like the lightness from just eating fruit. This process of change in me is unstoppable. I can feel all these things going on inside my body, and my being. I seem to have moved past a whole aspect of fear. More and more I'm feeling the supportive nature of existence. It's strange how experiences of things that penetrate and encompass the material world, are infinite in tone and quality, ever new. I hope that these dark ages that humanity exists in, passes for a while - and all this automatic belief in food consumption with all of the so-called empirical science to support these notions, are seen for what they are. Knowledge bases that really are only self-referring, but that never comprehend the deeper causes of things.
There are so many mysteries, that can only be understood through intuition. So much value is put on empirical methods, and yet, when there's something that doesn't fit a certain model, these things are discarded. For example, evolutionary theory can never answer where on earth (excuse the pun) the Aboriginal people of Australia came from. And that is only one hole, of many, that exist in modern thinking.
Even though I prefer fruits, I find rice ok. But even then, food feels like such blockage. I feel like my body is just saying no to these things; but for the while, from habit and situation, I'm likely to continue eating things, even though I feel that it has short term period for me. I feel more and more attracted to juices. Which I find a little surprising, as I seem to be following a general pattern so far i.e. flesh-eating, vegetarian, vegan, raw-vegan, fruitarian, liquidarian... But who knows what will happen next.
Really, it's such an odd thing ingesting matter. Even fruits and so on, are things of the earth, which are there for their own sake, and that of creation. All things have an effect. Even though eating fruits doesn't have the same impact on self and others as flesh-eating, it's still part of the loop of creation.
I'm really learning the ultra-importance of non-judgement toward everyone, in whatever people do. This seems to be an essential factor in progress, on all levels.
There's so much I'm learning with regards to food. For the last three nights I had cooked food, and I can't say that I feel good on it. In the mornings I can feel kind of muddy - nothing like the lightness from just eating fruit. This process of change in me is unstoppable. I can feel all these things going on inside my body, and my being. I seem to have moved past a whole aspect of fear. More and more I'm feeling the supportive nature of existence. It's strange how experiences of things that penetrate and encompass the material world, are infinite in tone and quality, ever new. I hope that these dark ages that humanity exists in, passes for a while - and all this automatic belief in food consumption with all of the so-called empirical science to support these notions, are seen for what they are. Knowledge bases that really are only self-referring, but that never comprehend the deeper causes of things.
There are so many mysteries, that can only be understood through intuition. So much value is put on empirical methods, and yet, when there's something that doesn't fit a certain model, these things are discarded. For example, evolutionary theory can never answer where on earth (excuse the pun) the Aboriginal people of Australia came from. And that is only one hole, of many, that exist in modern thinking.
Even though I prefer fruits, I find rice ok. But even then, food feels like such blockage. I feel like my body is just saying no to these things; but for the while, from habit and situation, I'm likely to continue eating things, even though I feel that it has short term period for me. I feel more and more attracted to juices. Which I find a little surprising, as I seem to be following a general pattern so far i.e. flesh-eating, vegetarian, vegan, raw-vegan, fruitarian, liquidarian... But who knows what will happen next.
Really, it's such an odd thing ingesting matter. Even fruits and so on, are things of the earth, which are there for their own sake, and that of creation. All things have an effect. Even though eating fruits doesn't have the same impact on self and others as flesh-eating, it's still part of the loop of creation.
I'm really learning the ultra-importance of non-judgement toward everyone, in whatever people do. This seems to be an essential factor in progress, on all levels.
Thursday, 21 October 2010
Some developments and realisations, a recap
For a while now I've been feeling this urge to refine my food intake. On this path, I've become vegan from being a vegetarian (though I can't technically call myself a fruitarian nor raw vegan at this point, though I have strong tendencies that way), and I have to say, it feel fantastic leaving these animal products behind e.g. milk and eggs. It isn't only the ethical side of it, and compassion for living creatures that have a sense of self, but also to avoid putting animal energy into my body. It's funny how one becomes accustomed to eating certain things. I remember I always felt eggs to be somewhat weird to eat, but got used to it; and now I can see the weirdness for what it really is. It's putting chicken energy into my body! Do I want chicken energy in my body?? So it isn't just an ethical aspect, in some ways, it's about purifying oneself. It's the aspect associated with forging a path toward unity.
The main drive behind this refinement, is this feeling that we're evolving as a planet, and that each individual who works at their lives, and their food intake, adds to the overall effect of change. We're all changing together. One day we will exist in this planet without needing physical food, once the addictions and attachments have passed. A main angle to this urge toward refinement, is an experience of reality beyond the physical, and a dimension of love that exists only a hair's breadth away from us, every micro second of the day.
What I'm realising, is that it's possible to experience this truth, whether one eats or not. Love and compassion extends to all beings, regardless of activity. And yet, through fasting or refining one's food intake, it's definitely true to say, that it brings one closer to things that are true.
Personally, if I've eaten very little (and I have a very busy life, and work consistently hard when I'm working on someone's house, or looking after my children), I see that energy generates energy. I take very minimal breaks when I work, breaks just slow me down. In fact, I generally sit down for 2 minutes at lunch, to rest my legs, and that's it. Then I'm off again. Perhaps this is also why I prefer working alone, where I can set my own pace. The pace of work generates it's own momentum. This snowballing effect of energy, can be applied across most phenomena I think.
But what I have also found, through restricting my food intake - e.g. small breakfast, no lunch, fruits in the evening, is that my own fears and limitations loom mightily in my mind. On the one hand, I know that I'm fine, and have lots of energy, and yet on the other, a part of me is saying: 'You're a fool. You're going to die. Look at all the weight you've lost. You're a sick man!' etc. Weight loss is a significant issue. It's difficult to look and feel thin, when it isn't something one is used to. It is very amazing how many negativities arise when the stomach hasn't got something to latch onto!
Then there is the issue of hunger. It is all entirely psychological I believe. A significant thing I've observed, is that the feeling of hunger I might have when I'm eating next to nothing (which will come and go), is no different to the feeling I have when I have just eating well. So what is going on? How can I feel hungry in both scenarios? I think that it's really only got to do with the stomach expanding or contracting, giving the brain signals. Rather like the hunger one can feel a bit later after a large meal. It isn't hunger of course, it's just that the stomach has been stretched, and now it's beginning to settle back again.
I'm realising that little steps at a time are the best thing for me. Slowly, and appreciatively of what life has to offer. If I was in a different situation, I would definitely want to do a long fast. But it's worth remembering, that large changes in many ways should come from an inner urge, not as a mental concept having seen what someone else has done. I think this is very important. I think there are people out there who have maybe become a bit mixed up, borrowing someone else's life-path, and trying to apply it to themselves. This might work for them (after all, all things do have to start as an idea), but there has to be a genuine resonance for it to be really appropriate for them.
Rooting one's experience and urges in love and respect, without letting the ego always latch onto things, is really the safest way.
The main drive behind this refinement, is this feeling that we're evolving as a planet, and that each individual who works at their lives, and their food intake, adds to the overall effect of change. We're all changing together. One day we will exist in this planet without needing physical food, once the addictions and attachments have passed. A main angle to this urge toward refinement, is an experience of reality beyond the physical, and a dimension of love that exists only a hair's breadth away from us, every micro second of the day.
What I'm realising, is that it's possible to experience this truth, whether one eats or not. Love and compassion extends to all beings, regardless of activity. And yet, through fasting or refining one's food intake, it's definitely true to say, that it brings one closer to things that are true.
Personally, if I've eaten very little (and I have a very busy life, and work consistently hard when I'm working on someone's house, or looking after my children), I see that energy generates energy. I take very minimal breaks when I work, breaks just slow me down. In fact, I generally sit down for 2 minutes at lunch, to rest my legs, and that's it. Then I'm off again. Perhaps this is also why I prefer working alone, where I can set my own pace. The pace of work generates it's own momentum. This snowballing effect of energy, can be applied across most phenomena I think.
But what I have also found, through restricting my food intake - e.g. small breakfast, no lunch, fruits in the evening, is that my own fears and limitations loom mightily in my mind. On the one hand, I know that I'm fine, and have lots of energy, and yet on the other, a part of me is saying: 'You're a fool. You're going to die. Look at all the weight you've lost. You're a sick man!' etc. Weight loss is a significant issue. It's difficult to look and feel thin, when it isn't something one is used to. It is very amazing how many negativities arise when the stomach hasn't got something to latch onto!
Then there is the issue of hunger. It is all entirely psychological I believe. A significant thing I've observed, is that the feeling of hunger I might have when I'm eating next to nothing (which will come and go), is no different to the feeling I have when I have just eating well. So what is going on? How can I feel hungry in both scenarios? I think that it's really only got to do with the stomach expanding or contracting, giving the brain signals. Rather like the hunger one can feel a bit later after a large meal. It isn't hunger of course, it's just that the stomach has been stretched, and now it's beginning to settle back again.
I'm realising that little steps at a time are the best thing for me. Slowly, and appreciatively of what life has to offer. If I was in a different situation, I would definitely want to do a long fast. But it's worth remembering, that large changes in many ways should come from an inner urge, not as a mental concept having seen what someone else has done. I think this is very important. I think there are people out there who have maybe become a bit mixed up, borrowing someone else's life-path, and trying to apply it to themselves. This might work for them (after all, all things do have to start as an idea), but there has to be a genuine resonance for it to be really appropriate for them.
Rooting one's experience and urges in love and respect, without letting the ego always latch onto things, is really the safest way.
Monday, 18 October 2010
Good cheer without cooking?
In the darkness of space, eating cooked food warms us up, and fills our life with cheer - a cheer we feel we lack, sometimes. And there's the rub; this separation from truth, from love, is the very thing that provokes hunger and a sense of separation and loneliness. But we are not alone. The physical world is just one of endless others. When we are attuned to the truth, we feel love, and no hunger, for we are fed from higher sources. It is our birthright.
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
The thing I'm finding at the moment, is that any progression toward refinement, is often slowed by doubt and going back to old habits, even if briefly. This is not surprising.
While a part of me wants to forget about spiritual refinement, I know that stagnation isn't the answer. Stagnation leads to disease and ultimately death. Illness is stagnation of energy.
Everytime I think to myself, 'let's forget about this whole deal', two things happen. One, is that I truly deeply feel that I just can't and don't want to eat how I used to; Secondly, I feel a calling that I hardly understand at this point. To move things forward. In some ways, I feel that time is running out. It's now or never, for purification. I wonder how many people feel the same?
I don't resent this calling toward purging my body, but it is hard. Working on the concept of food and eating, strikes at the very core of what it means to be a human being, in many ways. Which is also why there is an enormous and automatic resistance from many sides toward the concept of inedia, even hostility. 'If you don't eat you die!' everybody shouts. Addiction. Something I remember that Jericho Sunfire said in one of his videos: 'Don't mess with my tastebuds!', with regards to people who can accept many things, but definitely not refining food intake, or removing it completely.
While a part of me wants to forget about spiritual refinement, I know that stagnation isn't the answer. Stagnation leads to disease and ultimately death. Illness is stagnation of energy.
Everytime I think to myself, 'let's forget about this whole deal', two things happen. One, is that I truly deeply feel that I just can't and don't want to eat how I used to; Secondly, I feel a calling that I hardly understand at this point. To move things forward. In some ways, I feel that time is running out. It's now or never, for purification. I wonder how many people feel the same?
I don't resent this calling toward purging my body, but it is hard. Working on the concept of food and eating, strikes at the very core of what it means to be a human being, in many ways. Which is also why there is an enormous and automatic resistance from many sides toward the concept of inedia, even hostility. 'If you don't eat you die!' everybody shouts. Addiction. Something I remember that Jericho Sunfire said in one of his videos: 'Don't mess with my tastebuds!', with regards to people who can accept many things, but definitely not refining food intake, or removing it completely.
Sunday, 19 September 2010
An increase in energy
This evening I felt an increase in energy that was quite disorientating. For lunch I had an apple, a banana, some nuts and dates. It was about 8pm and I hadn't had anything to eat since then. This surprised me really, as I had been working hard all day painting and decorating someone's house, while my wife looked after the children. I was feeling wonderful, sensing the energies all around me, going through me, the web of creation. I was doing some spontaneous moves with my body, feeling the coursing of energy. I wasn't feeling hungry particularly, such was the energy.
This increase in energy was disorientating, because I was experiencing what one might call 'reality', in a different way, and myself also in a different way. Of all the other experiences of an abstract nature I've had before, this was a bit different. As if the physical nature of space all around me was changing.
Also, I was experiencing the entrancement of sense-perception (which humans mostly all fall prey to, including myself), and how freedom from the limitations of life, requires one to lay down attachment to so many things. To expand is to move beyond the automatic conditioning of the mind. I could see the very narrow margin which our sense perceptions occupy, and which are so rooted into eating. I could feel so keenly how the removal of eating, totally removes any sense of normality in life, a sensation I feel I'll have to get used to - if I do eventually end up breatharian. The way we have evolved eating, and eating cooked food, is a curious journey...
My wife asked me whether I was eating this evening (meaning am I eating with her or some fruits and such like as I usually do), as she had taken from the garden a nice spaghetti squash which we have growing. I found it impossible to say no, such was the care she was taking in preparing the food. It can be very demoralising for someone to live with a person, who doesn't want to eat the same food. The food felt very gentle. The taste was enjoyable, but I could feel it like a slight hindrance inside of me.
It's somehow making me sad this eating of cooked vegetables - this must sound weird though. What a strange thing to rip a vegetable from the earth, chop it up, heat it up until it changes its shape, and then eat it? For beings of an eternal nature, where is the value in that? Isn't a vegetable, or a fruit, just a beautiful thing that exists for itself?
This increase in energy was disorientating, because I was experiencing what one might call 'reality', in a different way, and myself also in a different way. Of all the other experiences of an abstract nature I've had before, this was a bit different. As if the physical nature of space all around me was changing.
Also, I was experiencing the entrancement of sense-perception (which humans mostly all fall prey to, including myself), and how freedom from the limitations of life, requires one to lay down attachment to so many things. To expand is to move beyond the automatic conditioning of the mind. I could see the very narrow margin which our sense perceptions occupy, and which are so rooted into eating. I could feel so keenly how the removal of eating, totally removes any sense of normality in life, a sensation I feel I'll have to get used to - if I do eventually end up breatharian. The way we have evolved eating, and eating cooked food, is a curious journey...
My wife asked me whether I was eating this evening (meaning am I eating with her or some fruits and such like as I usually do), as she had taken from the garden a nice spaghetti squash which we have growing. I found it impossible to say no, such was the care she was taking in preparing the food. It can be very demoralising for someone to live with a person, who doesn't want to eat the same food. The food felt very gentle. The taste was enjoyable, but I could feel it like a slight hindrance inside of me.
It's somehow making me sad this eating of cooked vegetables - this must sound weird though. What a strange thing to rip a vegetable from the earth, chop it up, heat it up until it changes its shape, and then eat it? For beings of an eternal nature, where is the value in that? Isn't a vegetable, or a fruit, just a beautiful thing that exists for itself?
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