Is eating cooked food playing with fire?

Even though I eat raw food, I've never really considered that cooked food is that bad really. Recently however I've been having different thoughts about this, from things I've been experiencing, from a relapse I had with cooked food. It makes me think that eating cooked really comes with its own price. It's as if the distortion of food matter, and the whole process of preparing it, creates a sort of disharmony or something.  I never wanted to conclude anything like this, as it seems extreme. And even though it makes no sense to me, in a conventional sense, this is what I'm experiencing. It lowers the energy of the people eating this cooked food, and even makes arguements  around the table easier - this is really crazy stuff!


So I feel even more strongly that going back to cooked food, for emotional and/or social reasons, isn't any good for me. I have to leave it alone. Eating cooked food is so tightly bound with the emotions, that even reverting back to it, triggers unwanted responses. It's no wonder that people who become fruitarian, on the whole, need to go through some kind of therapy, as it were. So recently, have been deciding to not go back, no matter. Have to remain with what I feel, so matter how weird!

I like this analogy and pun of playing with fire. Eating cooked food obviously does introduce an element of danger, as it needs fire/heat, and all the aspects of what it means to use fire/heat, whether gas, electrical, or electromagnetic...

fundamental shift of view of self

Running and physical training going really well, but I've been burning off more stuff in the process and as I result my face looks thinner, even though my weight stays the same. Because I've been running harder, and am fed up with looking so skinny, I  decided to eat a lot more raw stuff, especially avocados and nuts, for the protein. What an error this was... It produced really urgent bowl movements. I was just eating a lot of these things, trying to fatten up, or something, and all it's done is make me want to go to the loo urgently, it's not been nice. It's as if my guts are throwing everything out.

Since last blog entry have been eating 100% raw. Coffee, have had one full coffee on one day, and two half coffees on two other days. Strange, I seem to be able to drink half a cup in a coffee shop, and leave the rest. I don't know how that is possible!!

I can feel these immense changes going on within me, and it's as if there's a fundamental shift in the way I view myself. Added to this, these feelings of love and so on, everywhere. I'm being so much more patient with  my children, which for me is the main thing, the real thing that counts for me. I don't see any value in food reduction and so on, if it doesn't allow deeper and truer things to take hold - like love!

Maybe I've been training too hard and should slow down a bit. I just enjoy so much running over the hills, it's amazing. The problem is that the running has been over-energizing my system and I don't sleep at night afterwards.

Bread monster

Today I'm a total bread and coffee monster, this is addiction playing itself out, clearly. It's weird that this is happening when I've been eating natural foods for a while.


Bread is so addictive, it's come out of nowhere - well, nearly out of nowhere. There were some visitors in my house who were eating all sorts of white bread things, and even though I ate fruits while they ate cooked things, I felt this growing attraction to bread. 


It's interesting to note that giving free bread to the people, was a form of population control by the ancient Romans. Bread makes your spirit sleep, and fills you with satisfaction. It was the poet Juvenal who coined the phrase 'bread and circuses' as the best way of keeping control of the people and of Rome.

Where I am now

After some moments of clarity, eating unprocessed raw food, I've some old mind conditions and emotions coming out of me again. As a consequence, have been a bit relaxed about food intake the last two days, and have had coffee again lately, and today some bread things and oats. Is it the right thing for me? I'm really not sure.

I feel this strain within myself from eating these things - as if I've set on course some energies that I had been learning to control. I find cooked food creates this need in me to have more cooked food. And this pain inside too, is returning.

Why and what does it all mean?

So I'm in a strange place right now. I'm in a position where I know the consequences of eating certain things, in an intellectual sense, even though I may want something, recently. Before, I could feel my body rejecting certain things, so it was easier. Now my emotions are stronger than my body's intelligence.

It looks like progression needs a tandem force at work:
1) act in accordance with what the body naturally rejects, which is the easy force to follow
2) make a point of rejecting something when experience tells me that it's not that great for me, when my emotions are overriding natural tendency. This can be harder, without expanding the mind toward higher thing.

The second point is where determination comes in.

It's ok, I'll go forward again, but right now, I find it hard to find arguements to support a 100% natural food intake. Aren't I contradicting myself now...? I know already the merry-go-round created by consuming cooked food.

Found my weight recently going up a little, which is odd. Perhaps this is as a consequence of detoxing a little. This weight increase happened before the last two days of not being 100% natural. I've been aware of wanting to be slower over things, and more relaxed.

Fitness wise I've been pretty good. Actually beat my personal best running record recently and my press-ups-until-collapse record as well, up to 47.

Real detox happening

Pretty much completely free of cooked and processed now. No more rice milk. Very few oats with my fruits in the mornings, which I've been having with diluted apple juice. Lunch, often salad stuff, mixed with fruits. Evening, fruits, or fruit smoothie. Nuts also at times throughout the day, but nuts don't seem good on the guts. In some ways, feel the same about salad, which is inconvenient; it's harsher than fruits somehow.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just inventing this whole thing up, this food refinement process I'm on, and doubt creeps into my mind. I even think to myself, I'm going to have cooked food again, but something in me really resists it. I'm really surprised.

So anyway, as a result of even more refinement, I've been having lots of headaches, furry teeth, always feel thirsty. Feeling thirsty is a bit strange, as I have so many fruits. But these detox symptoms are real, so when I doubt this whole thing, the mere fact that my body is getting rid of rubbish, lets me know that this is ok - I'm not going crazy. This path is worthwhile. Have been having sudden colds, that go again quickly.

Also, my weight has dipped a bit. I've noticed that my weight dips when there's stuff being thrown out.  I hope it goes up again, as I'm looking really skinny now, and am tiring of people's observations and comments.

Fitness is really good though - running, muscle work etc., no problems. Mentally feel more focused and less worried about stuff in general, but overall, I can feel this incredible resistance within me at what's going on. Even though there are people out there who have walked this path, at the end of the day, it only helps a little bit. Being in it is a different thing. In some ways, it feels like going a bit mad, or something - but that too is a kind of detox thing, as everything is being overhauled; emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

And I really have no idea where this is heading. At the moment it bothers me that I'm so skinny, even though I'm physically stronger than ever before. Checked my weight recently and I've just dipped beneath 10 stone, and being 6foot2, that's going to show. I look thin. If I continue like this, I'm going to eat cooked again, for fun, to gain weight etc.  But I have to remember, that when I was going vegan, and doing proper fasting, my weight also dipped, before going up again a little when I  continued on cooked vegan.

In some respects it doesn't bother me being so skinny -however, it bothers me when I feel like I have no idea where this is all going, when I'm in a position of doubt and so on. 

Determination

I'm developing greater inner determination in the face of social scrutiny over change of diet. I can feel this benign force operating, and attempting to help as much as possible. Realised a few days ago that I wasn't doing enough to get in line with these deeper energies.

In conversation, it can often become a little problematical when questioned over this food change to raw, especially as people tend to compare themselves against another person who seems to be doing more than them in some ways, and feel judged. But this is just a development, and not a thing to condemn others with, whether veggie or meat-eater. Food is as bad as politics and religion I think, in how it stirs people up!!

In terms of training, some running, a few days ago hit a record of 44 press ups, which for me is a record.

Not doing hummus anymore. The only processed stuff I still have is a little rice milk in the mornings on my fruits, and a few oats (which I assumed have undergone some treatment). This is being going on for a few weeks now. Also, I have decaffeinated coffee now, one or two cups a day. I'd like to get rid of that really, but at it's a big thing getting off the coffee, so happy with general movement forward, seeing as I used to be a coffee addict.

Much love!

I don't want this!

It's hard to describe what's going on with me at the moment, but it's really tough. I'm caught between things at the moment, from raw food to cooked. Sometimes I feel like I really want a cooked meal, so I have one, but then it doesn't sit in me at al well. I feel like I really don't want this struggle I'm in. I want to be happy with eating normally. But there is no 'normal', that is the truth; I've spent many years of my adult life just getting by and not connecting deeply to what I know. To that extent, everyone is being propped up psychologically by all kinds of things, especially food.

So what is happening to me? People talk about detox and a process, and perhaps that's what I'm on, but right now I don't know where it's going, so I can't say what it is. I feel like my tendencies are being accentuated. Added to this are the social difficulties, and being a father of two young children. In terms of the children, I feed them as I was fed (apart from dead animals), and hope for the best. Life seems to be all about unlearning what the world tried to make us believe.

It's as if many things are being removed from me somehow, and it's hard.