Real detox happening

Pretty much completely free of cooked and processed now. No more rice milk. Very few oats with my fruits in the mornings, which I've been having with diluted apple juice. Lunch, often salad stuff, mixed with fruits. Evening, fruits, or fruit smoothie. Nuts also at times throughout the day, but nuts don't seem good on the guts. In some ways, feel the same about salad, which is inconvenient; it's harsher than fruits somehow.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just inventing this whole thing up, this food refinement process I'm on, and doubt creeps into my mind. I even think to myself, I'm going to have cooked food again, but something in me really resists it. I'm really surprised.

So anyway, as a result of even more refinement, I've been having lots of headaches, furry teeth, always feel thirsty. Feeling thirsty is a bit strange, as I have so many fruits. But these detox symptoms are real, so when I doubt this whole thing, the mere fact that my body is getting rid of rubbish, lets me know that this is ok - I'm not going crazy. This path is worthwhile. Have been having sudden colds, that go again quickly.

Also, my weight has dipped a bit. I've noticed that my weight dips when there's stuff being thrown out.  I hope it goes up again, as I'm looking really skinny now, and am tiring of people's observations and comments.

Fitness is really good though - running, muscle work etc., no problems. Mentally feel more focused and less worried about stuff in general, but overall, I can feel this incredible resistance within me at what's going on. Even though there are people out there who have walked this path, at the end of the day, it only helps a little bit. Being in it is a different thing. In some ways, it feels like going a bit mad, or something - but that too is a kind of detox thing, as everything is being overhauled; emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

And I really have no idea where this is heading. At the moment it bothers me that I'm so skinny, even though I'm physically stronger than ever before. Checked my weight recently and I've just dipped beneath 10 stone, and being 6foot2, that's going to show. I look thin. If I continue like this, I'm going to eat cooked again, for fun, to gain weight etc.  But I have to remember, that when I was going vegan, and doing proper fasting, my weight also dipped, before going up again a little when I  continued on cooked vegan.

In some respects it doesn't bother me being so skinny -however, it bothers me when I feel like I have no idea where this is all going, when I'm in a position of doubt and so on. 

Determination

I'm developing greater inner determination in the face of social scrutiny over change of diet. I can feel this benign force operating, and attempting to help as much as possible. Realised a few days ago that I wasn't doing enough to get in line with these deeper energies.

In conversation, it can often become a little problematical when questioned over this food change to raw, especially as people tend to compare themselves against another person who seems to be doing more than them in some ways, and feel judged. But this is just a development, and not a thing to condemn others with, whether veggie or meat-eater. Food is as bad as politics and religion I think, in how it stirs people up!!

In terms of training, some running, a few days ago hit a record of 44 press ups, which for me is a record.

Not doing hummus anymore. The only processed stuff I still have is a little rice milk in the mornings on my fruits, and a few oats (which I assumed have undergone some treatment). This is being going on for a few weeks now. Also, I have decaffeinated coffee now, one or two cups a day. I'd like to get rid of that really, but at it's a big thing getting off the coffee, so happy with general movement forward, seeing as I used to be a coffee addict.

Much love!

I don't want this!

It's hard to describe what's going on with me at the moment, but it's really tough. I'm caught between things at the moment, from raw food to cooked. Sometimes I feel like I really want a cooked meal, so I have one, but then it doesn't sit in me at al well. I feel like I really don't want this struggle I'm in. I want to be happy with eating normally. But there is no 'normal', that is the truth; I've spent many years of my adult life just getting by and not connecting deeply to what I know. To that extent, everyone is being propped up psychologically by all kinds of things, especially food.

So what is happening to me? People talk about detox and a process, and perhaps that's what I'm on, but right now I don't know where it's going, so I can't say what it is. I feel like my tendencies are being accentuated. Added to this are the social difficulties, and being a father of two young children. In terms of the children, I feed them as I was fed (apart from dead animals), and hope for the best. Life seems to be all about unlearning what the world tried to make us believe.

It's as if many things are being removed from me somehow, and it's hard.

eating raw more consciously

Sometimes I can't believe this journey that I'm on. I seem to be on a moving train that I can't jump off anymore, and it's really quite a joyous thing. Well I suppose I could if I really wanted to, but I don't see the point to go back to dead-ends.

I've been feeling these changes now I have this resolve within me. Just the act of walking through the garden, picking (and giving thanks,  poor plants!) spinach, dandelion leaves and so on, and adding them to my fruits, blended together. All this is somehow working on me. The act of gathering locally is an interesting thing in itself. I feel that somehow humans are meant to gather locally, ideally, if they need to eat.

I find myself changed within, and don't find myself interested in certain food things which are on offer. I feel like the things I'm slowly discarding from my life, are being replaced by this sense of connection to deeper things. Just recently I've been discarding the small bits of bread I've been having once a day. Also, I'm drinking my one or two cups of coffee with a different sense now, less enjoyment I suppose. Perhaps I'll come back to that.

So while I'm eating mostly raw now, and have a lot more energy from it, I keep open minded as to where this might lead me. I think back to where i was, and see a huge change just from going mostly raw vegan. I can't  advise anyone on breatharianism, as I'm not one, but it does strike me that for long-lasting and conclusive changes, going to natural food first and so on, is logically a good way of doing things, as it allows the body to adapt, whatever the eventual outcome. I've tried days of fasting and so on in the past, but in retrospect, i see it as a worthwhile exercise in seeing how the body reacts and copes etc, and how one feels - and perhaps, I was getting a little ahead of myself too.

Still ongoing, which surprises me somehow

For a long time I've just been doing my thing without giving a huge amount of thought to any process of refinement. It's been ages since I had a cooked meal in the evening, but I did the other evening, which is why I'm adding to this blog. Usually I have fruits, and I was amazed at how I really didn't enjoy the cooked food. I was somehow expecting for normality to go on, and even possibly regress on this path, and go back to my old eating habits - but I find that something has changed in me fundamentally, and I can't or won't do it. I felt dry after that cooked food. Also, it didn't decrease any sense of hunger I might have in the evenings - I feel the same in that sense after fruits or cooked food. Hunger is a strange thing. Hunger is possible with me, even after eating! The only thing that seems to stop hunger is meditation and that kind of thing,

In the mornings I have some oats and rice milk and banana, but that too now is starting to weigh on me somehow (the rice milk and oats in particular). Strange how things have changed, from full blown muesli etc, to just oats and rice milk, and how that is even weird now.

So even though I don't spend much time thinking about it, looks like something is still going on.

I continue working on my fitness, especially light weights at the moment, been less inclined to run recently.

I really can't comment anymore on what's going on with me, but I'll just continue enjoying life as it is.

social difficulties

There's no doubt that the social side of practicing certain diet things is the very hardest thing. As a family man, I find myself making compromises all the time now. I'm coming to the point where I don't know where I can go with this anymore. From fasting while I was working some months back, to going back to raw veganism with some cooked or processed products, I find myself focusing more and more on the true reasons behind things, rather than concerning myself over what I have eaten, or not eaten. The deep Spirit of things has always been my motivation, and it does not abandon me if I eat. My ideal would be to be in a situation where I can practice again some forms of deep fasting and contemplation, but perhaps that time is not now. I know that my inner senses increase in clarity hugely when I fast or eat very little.

For the time being, I continue to be vegan - something I won't go back on, in the same way that I became veggie many years ago - with an emphasis on raw food. I don't think that I'll add to this blog much, until I do a proper fast again. On the other hand, I understand also the necessity of silence in certain things and practices, and while this blog has been useful to get out certain tensions in my psyche, I also truly believe that not speaking about certain things is really quite important. All I can say again, is that this food thing, and the elimination of foods, unleashes many things that lie buried in the psyche, which is probably why most of us choose not to go without certain foods, etc. I see some characters who've adapted to a food-free lifestyle very easily, and they say it's really quite easy, but I also see that they've put their work in, perhaps not even in this life.

an emotional ride

Recently I was looking at cooked food and thinking to myself how horrible it seemed. I'd been on mostly raw stuff for quite  a while - and so cooked food just seemed really weird to me and I felt like I didn't want any part of it. Distorted energy.

But then I hit some emotional things in my life, where I lost my equanimity. Suddenly, I started to really feel hungry for cooked stuff. I realised that it wasn't for physical reasons, but entirely emotional. However, I went with the flow, and so have had a fair bit of bread and a cooked meal.

I've noticed how much easier it is to be entertained by nonsense when on cooked food. This might seem like a strange thing to say. But with the senses slightly dulled, it's easier (in some ways life is easier!) to just go around doing stuff in an unconscious fashion. Being on raw food is a big thing really. For me personally, I've found any form of entertainment to be an uninteresting thing when I'm not on cooked food. We humans like to be entertained, we like distraction from our internal sense of unease. But while fasting, or eating raw, the emotions have less space to manoeuvre. It's strange how society is  based around entertainment and distraction. Food obviously plays a huge part in that.

I don't find it difficult to just sit in a chair and contemplate, maybe look out of the window for a long time. That might seem weird. On the other hand, a part of me after a while wishes that I had a warm feeling toward entertainment, but I don't find it interesting really - apart from comedy in TV and film I suppose! Well, I do find it interesting, but I have to be pumped up on cooked food to find it interesting! A bit like someone who has to be drunk to enjoy something he knows he won't enjoy - perhaps a rubbish film his friends are dragging him along to. This guy then has a few drinks at the bar before commiting himself to something he wouldn't usually enjoy. Maybe most parties are based around this - get by by getting drunk!

So anyway, this testing process goes on. It's an emotional ride.